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Thursday, December 30, 2010

New Year in 2011

So now is the time for New Year's Resolutions.  I guess this would be a great time to talk about some of mine.
* To lose some weight. I know, I know.... every year. But seriously - I have no excuse now. I'm not pregnant.. which brings me to the next resolution
* To not be pregnant in 2011. It will be the first year in several that I haven't been. It will be a lot easier to lose weight if I'm not "eating for 2 or 3"
* To finish my degree to be a principal. I'm 3 classes (2 of which are scheduled for the spring semester) and a practicum away from this goal.
* Once I lose weight - I'm going to be a better dresser, curl my hair, and wear makeup. (maybe....)

Those are "goals" ... resolutions. Things that can be broken and very well might be.  Here are some musts for 2011
* To be a good person. People support me. People support my family. We may not always be able to support people monetarily, but the gift of friendship is one that is free. I must be a good person. When I am gone - I want that legacy - she was a good person.
* To be a strong wife for my husband. By strong I mean... to love in times of stress and rejoice in times of non stress. We have a lot of stress. People without stress have marriages that do not last. I must not take him for granted and remember every day how wonderful he is.
* To be a mother my kids can respect. To kiss the boo boos. To help them learn right from wrong. To love them unconditionally. To balance all of their needs. To remember that if I don't meet every "want" at every time, it does not make me a bad mother - only a human one. To tell my kids I love them every single day. Every single day.
* To not give up the faith in Alexander.  To remember to work with him on holding his head, sitting, rolling, and eating. To not let life overwhelm me and allow Alexander's therapy to take a back seat.
* To not allow Alexander's needs to overtake our life.  All things need a balance.

*To push the fear away.  The honest truth is that within me is still a lot of fear of the future.  I try as hard as humanly possible to live in the moment.  To remember that anyone can be sick, etc... but the truth is - if I try to envision my life in 10 years I become almost paralyzed with fear .... because there is no picture of Alexander. Addison- I can picture her as a pre-teen... sassy. beautiful. headstrong. a reader. She might not turn out that exact way, but at least I can picture something. Andrew - I can picture him as a mini-Ray. Athletic (he already stops to line up his shot when kicking the ball)  Smart. Tough. a cooker (he loves to cook). Again... he may turn out totally different, but for now that is how I picture them based on their personalities. The truth is .... I don't know how to picture Alexander. Is he a walker? Is he in a wheelchair? Does he eat? Is he on a "blenderized diet?" Does he use his g-tube? Does he have head control? Does he speak? IF he does not speak, eat, or walk.... it is ok. Just look at my beautiful baby and you will know the most beautiful love there ever was. I just want to hold him and kiss him all day. But..... not knowing, not having even a glimpse - is so nerve wracking. Where are those crystal balls when you need one? I don't want to lose faith. I want to push him as much as he can be pushed. But hope can sometimes be a very fearful place.

 I would like to lose the fear in 2011.  I'm sure I will and 2011 is going to be a rockin' year!


At December 30, 2010 at 8:03 PM , Blogger Melissa and Luke Young said...

Love your goals for 2011... Good luck with them. In relation to 'pushing the fear away'... since having Ellie I have moments where I try to tell myself to loose the fear. I dont think fear ever goes away completely when you have a child with a disability, it is only natural to worry and fear for how they will be when they are older... but as you said "If they DO NOT walk or talk, it is OK. I think Fear makes you be the best mother that you can be and push them to the best of their abilities... Wishing you a wonderful 2011... x

At December 31, 2010 at 12:25 PM , Blogger Kisses4Kaylee said...

I can completely understand your feelings of fear of the future. I admire your strength, though~ I am blessed to have you as my friend. Wishing you a new year filled with resolutions fulfilled and boundless miracles for Alexander, as well as continued joy and good things for Addison, Andrew, Ray, and most of all-- you! xo


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