Tomorrow....

Is the day we start Alexander's Auction.  I'm actually going to post more on that later today, but this morning I wanted to take a minute to share a little more about the evolution of this blog.  I know that tomorrow we may 'round another corner (like we did when we began our quest for a Alexander's seizure dog) and more people may come to hear our family's story.  I wanted to take a minute today to explain what this blog means to me. Right now.

Tomorrow may change it.  Tomorrow may change me.  This past year has changed me.  The past 3 years have changed me.  The past 5 years have changed me.

5 years ago I was single (getting ready to be married...) and I was a wild child. I was the first to a social gathering and often the last to leave (or the one who spent the night.) I did random crazy things, like leave for the Jersey Shore at 11pm at night or meet friends in Atlantic City for 5 hours when the drive was a total 7 hours.  Irresponsible. Selfish. Giving. A workaholic (planning trips to take students to Washington D.C. or NYC) .... Then I settled a little. Became a little more responsible. A little less selfish and at the same time a little more selective about my giving.  I began to give to people who needed help more and less to people who just wanted something.

3 years ago I was not yet a mother.  My husband and I were selfish together.  We took vacations, we had friends over all the time, we were careless together.  We also matured together - or, well, he helped me mature.  But we very much took advantage of this time we had together without children.

1 year ago I was the parent of twins, but not a baby with special needs.  We were giving to our children. We were confident.  We were  carefree and "stressed" at the same time. I began to  realize the true joy of giving unselfishly to my children.  I began to understand the importance of raising good people to go into the world.

There were days in the last year where I wondered if I would smile again. (Those days were a long time ago).  I remember asking my husband if the twins would ever know who their "real" mother was.  I remember wondering if I had changed so much I would never change back.  And the answer is "Yes" and "No."  Yes - I have changed and will probably never be the exact same as before.  No - I don't believe the twins will "never know who their real mother is." I'm real. I'm happy. I'm ok.

Next week could, in fact, change all that.  We never know.  I will cling to my happiness today.  I will write about my happiness today. When my children are grown - they can look back and read about our happiness today.  They can also read about my love for them.  If they remember their childhood as a time of therapy or doctor visits, they can see my incredible love for them was much more a part of our lives. 

Each day we are changing.  The events that change us can be large (wedding, birth, etc) or just small things that help shape you each day.  Next year I will be different than today.  This piece of me ... is here .... for myself to remember, for my kids to remember, for us all to remember. 

Tomorrow Alexander's auction will hopefully bring a lot of people who are interested in the generously donated gifts.  Hopefully, people will be excited about these things. The possibility exists - that this blog (and myself) will be change by this.  I wanted today to record how important this blog has been for me.  I look back on the posts and I see real fears, real concerns, and real joys.  Our real life.  And my heart is happy.