Old Friends, New Books, Painful Stories, and that darn Syndrome

Yesterday was a good day.  Most people who saw me would say, it was a good day.  I actually was really excited to go to a small group discussion on a book.  I was as excited to go spend time with old friends as I was to talk about the book.  So let's start with the old friends.

We all change since high school.  We evolve into these people .. with values, morals, and opinions that set our boundaries help form our personalities.  Most of us hope to evolve into "good" people.   Like the valedictorian who is so humble I forgot she was first in our class. She could have been a doctor or lawyer or nuclear physicist... but is an OT and Photographer and first - a mother... because she pursued her passions in life instead of monetarily motivated ambitions.  Or how about the sweet girl with a big heart who was everyone's friend.  Who decided to take her personal tragedy and find a way to help others? Who started a non-profit organization with no direction at all... except prayerful guidance from God and a mission in her heart?

Although I'm neither of those people... I think I'm evolving to a place where I can be proud of the person I am.  And... I have to say that I'm proud to be friends with those two.  I find inspiration in each of them.  I couldn't wait to spend some time with them and other moms.  So ... I read the book - to go to the meeting. The book....

Heaven is for Real.  First of all... the book is amazing.  Definitely read it.  I'm only going to reveal what is on the back cover - but the book is about Colton's (4 years old) journey to heaven and back.  It is non-fiction.  If someone recommended this book to me under any other circumstances, I would probably laugh them off and stop reading their craziness... but this book is so compelling.  The book is also comforting.  Amazingly comforting.  I left our little group feeling happy with life.  I had lunch with a friend, I spent some time with my dad; Alexander and I globe trotted around without a real care in the world.

Then I came home to write about the 4th of July.  I was going to post pictures of our happiness and describe this incredible feeling that was washing over me daily.  And that is when I saw it - the blog post - on wolfhirschhorn.org.  The story so close to the book I just finished.  The story told by a "I'm content because God loves us" mother.  A missionary who faithfully follows God and does not question.  She wanted to share - so that her son would not be forgotten - the story of her sweet boy.  Even when describing her son's passing, she offers praise to God for not allowing her son to suffer.  She is a person with morals, values, and opinions I could only wish to have.  That peace and comfort comes to me at sometimes... but the selfishness is so much stronger.  The story should have given me peace.  After reading the book, after spending the day with my baby, the story should have made me smile.  Instead... it struck me with such panic I had to leave the house.  I called up an old friend, raced to her house, ran errands, and almost missed dinner because the need for air was so strong.  The panic was so intense - I just needed a minute. 

When I came home, our house was amidst craziness.  The twins were running, shouting the Veggie Tales theme song, and basically in Ray's way.  Alexander was squawking happily ready to be fed.  I ate dinner with my family, I hugged my kids, I hugged Ray, and I blogged pictures of my kids hugging.  I couldn't really explain the emotions that came on this roller coaster ride.  You feel so confident, so sure - that you are ready for the turns and loopty- loops... you let go.  And then, just as quickly, you need to grab hold again.  Sometimes I wonder if the roller coaster will ever be so easy that I can just let go and enjoy the wind in my hair.... but for now - if my posts seem light hearted and then smack back into reality - it is because these posts are a reflection of my life.... usually light hearted and sometimes just smacked back into the reality that darn syndrome can give me.