For those of you who have been following… I wonder what you think.

 What do you think when you put snippets of our life together?  I’ve been wondering this … because – I use my home Facebook page to keep people updated on our life.  The blog is more of an outlet, so sometimes I forget to update it when we are home or doing things.  I try not to exploit … but yet sometimes to explain.


I’ve also been thinking about other things… to do with the blog – but more on that next week.  For now, I would like to really tell you about the last few days.  In sequence, not by these random snippets as my emotions brim until they spill over the edge and onto the page.


Alexander had a seizure. Hmmmm… how many posts have started this way?





Anyway… Have you ever had one of those “perfect” days?  In class, I was completely fulfilled.  It was a day where my students and I connected.  Where I could see them excited to learn … and they didn’t even realize how many cool things they were learning.  And AMAZING teaching day.






Then I came home and ran my THIRD run!  WooHoo!  I actually remember enjoying the run.  I daydreamed.  I mentally blogged about the ideas that floated around in my head.  Step. Work Harder. Step. Give More than we Take. Step. Love my Family. Step. Enjoy the Quiet. Step. Embrace the Noise. Step. Slow Down. Step. Baby Boy. Step. Respect my Husband. Step. Kiss my kids… and on and on.

With each pounding of the pavement I could feel the stress release from my shoulders as I pushed aside the needs of everyone else and enjoyed the desires of my heart.


When I finally made it back for dinner, it was to smiling kids as we planned for our evening’s adventures.  My Grandma turned 83 and we were headed to an impromptu cake and ice cream party.  The kids were so excited.  I was excited too because Ray said I should get some real shoes before I gave myself shin splints.  Seriously… the shoe situation was pretty bad.




I ran into the shoe store.  Quick and simple.  … Quick and simple.  It should have been quick and simple.  Honestly – it is when everyone has their guard down that things seem to go awry. 

I came out and I could tell something was wrong.  Ray had Alexander out of his car seat.  When I looked in I could see.  Questions on the twins face.  Fake smiles on Ray’s lips.  He said, “I think he’s having a seizure. But it doesn’t look right.”  He was right.  Instead of the normal seizure – this one was only on Alexander’s left side.  His right side was completely responsive and alert.  We weren’t able to do anything in a parking lot – so we administered relief Diastat and loaded up to try to get to the house as fast as possible.  I sat timing Alexander’s seizure while we rode.  I called the Neurologist and we discussed our options once we got home.  Alexander’s seizure did break for a few minutes – but a new problem immerged.  He didn’t seem to have use of his left side.  His arm hung limp and his leg was in an odd position.  Everyone was thinking the same thing… stroke.

What a horrible thing to happen to someone so small.  We are making such progress! A stroke would just place more obstacles… not take them away. 

The ambulance was en-route – as was the helicopter – to take some of us to Hershey.  When the helicopter arrived we were greeted by 2 people.  One…inspired THIS POST about his behavior.    It was the closest I’ve ever been to calling someone “out” on the internet.  I was so angry as I drove to Hershey… so worried.  About my baby.

A CAT scan showed no stroke occurred.  Blood work was drawn.  Because Alexander has small veins, an arterial stick was used.  Not only is it incredibly dangerous, but it is also incredibly painful.  Alexander screamed as they drew this blood. 



Finally, with his seizures seemingly broken, we were admitted for observation because this last one was so different.  I once again – I convinced the doctors to allow me to watch him all night in order for us to have a private room.  Facebook became my friend.  My blog became my outlet.  The minute I released my anger over that insensitive EMT… my heart was open for the prayers that were offered up. 

I then posted the 3am reflection.  The smile of peace on a night changed in the blink of an eye.  Because isn’t life just a series of turns?  That happen in the blink of an eye? 

This morning, life returned to normal.  We were given an increase in medicine and discharge orders. 

So now what?   What do you do when you return home?  Your emotions so raw from the night’s activities and lack of sleep…

I called the EMT service.  I filed a formal complaint.  I told the director that it was irresponsible for that EMT to leave with my child and not all his medical history.  For my child to be unaccompanied for almost 2 hours without medical instructions.  I told the director that it was immoral for that EMT to take my child without even a hug or kiss goodbye.  Nothing. 

As I made this call… there was another realization that sat in just as deep.  That EMT may once again be in charge of my son’s life.  Am I making a mistake? 


I must push those fears aside for what is RIGHT.  I must help us return to normal. 
Twins and I play outside.
I try on my running shoes.
I Love my children.  All of them. 

So…. last night, when I returned home – I made the choice to continue with our IPad competition.  And trust me… competition is fierce.   I wondered if it was too much … to ask for prayers and then ask for votes.  And, I decided that we would either: say we were returning to life as normal and then do it… or we wouldn’t. 

I choose to do it.  However…. we have been very blessed by your prayers – which were necessary – those are what are important.  Above all else – the value of those relationships.  I wrote about that HERE.  I am writing this here in case you were following on Facebook or somewhere else and wonder, “how do they just go back? and pick up life like nothing happened?"  Because we have to.


We are still competing for the IPad.  - If you feel like voting for Alexander… he’s at the bottom… the cowboy. If you want to vote for another kid – that is cool too:  All the kids would benefit. We are personal friends with the Little Engine that Could and Super Girl.  We are internet friends with all of them.  And… the prisoner has been locked up for 24 years.  VOTE HERE


If you feel like sharing the link – share away. 
Down’s Syndrome is 1:600.  Alexander’s Syndrome is 1:50,000.  Spreading a little awareness goes a long way.



And now… I can feel relief.  We’ve helped raise awareness for Alexander’s syndrome, thanked everyone for their prayers and support, and explained all those “snippets” of life through my blog outlet. 



Thanks Shell.  You always deliver. 

The Shame of “Type A”

I took a personality test before writing this post.  The test can be found HERE.  The range was 35-380.  380 is extremely Type “A” … I scored a 300.

So I guess I’m pretty far on the spectrum. 

That isn’t really surprising.  If I was honest, I would confess to being impatient, having high standards, and I have trouble handling my stress.  I also often take charge, I’m goal oriented, and find myself being competitive.  I do become irritated when left waiting or wasting time, I have a hard time smelling the roses, and – I am a “fast talker.”  Apparently – even talking quickly is part of “type A.”  Finally, I am driven for success, am ambitious, and like to be the best.  At everything. 

Often, people associate Type A with things negative, but the truth is – I like to believe that I am a good person.  I have friends who are also “type A” … and I believe they are good people as well.  However… I need to remember to hold myself accountable to my values above my personality traits.

This post is really about the pursuit of happiness… or just the pursuit. 

Ever since I went to BlogHer a few weeks ago, I’ve been trying to process all the information they gave us.  I installed Google Analytics.  I’ve been looking at things like “bounce rate” and “unique visitors.”  I’ve found myself thinking things like, “Why didn’t I install this months ago?”  I couldn’t just be happy in the now. 

I’ve been trying to use Twitter more (ALSFM) and my Facebook page more… in my quest to be the best.  Not just happy with being… but trying to be the best.

And with teaching.  My passion.  My heart’s song.  It is not enough to go in and deliver a lesson and walk out.  I want to be the best.  Not for recognition from students or colleagues… but because mediocre is just not enough.

This pursuit has been swelling in my type A stress filled life for awhile.  All the while I try to slow down with my family – smell the roses – hug my children – I find myself racing forward in the pursuit of my goal oriented happiness filled dreams.

If only we have a house with two bathrooms.  If only my blog became a big thing.  If only we get this seizure dog.  If only Alexander has more therapy.  If only I can reach more students.  If only….

But, you see – I have these incredible friends.  They are my barometer on all those negative associations that come with the Type A.  They are the people that I call to help put things in perspective.  And because they helped me with that perspective, I am going to go ahead and pass some of that wisdom along.

I want to win that IPad for Alexander.  I want to win it so badly that I made a video with him touching my IPhone and I explained how it would benefit him.  I think he is  the cutest kid on the block.  I stand by my post on why I love Halloween.



BUT….

I need to remember that I am “competing” against my friends for this coveted gift.  I need to remember that winning isn’t everything.  I need to remember… that even an Iphone (which – honestly is too small for Alexander to manipulate) is more than some have.  I need to remember that some people do not have the means to any of these things.  I need to remember that some people don’t have the support system in place that we do.  I need to remember that some people have not been given the gifts we have.

I would still like for Alexander to win the IPad.  He will be amazing with it.  But.

Happiness is:
Friends who will stand by me through my “forever” times.
Family who loves and supports us constantly.
Loved ones who … just love us.

Happiness does not come from things.  It could all wash away.  And if I was left … a “loser” surrounded only by people who love us – we would still be the most blessed people.

Happiness is us.  Type A or not.  Happiness exists here. 

Are you happy?  Can you be happy without the pursuit?  What have you given up to reclaim your happiness?


Thanks – Shell…. for allowing us to link up (once again.)

All Apologies

I’m Sorry.

If you read this blog, you probably think I am the most giving and generous person around…. but the post of my heart today is – the truth.  I. Am. Not.

I’m selfish. I don’t give as much as I take.  I forget to ask others how they are.  I mentally write notes that I never send.  I forget birthdays. I forget anniversaries.  I forget…. important dates.  I forget that I offered to do something…. and then it doesn’t get done.


I will verbally say “thank you,” but – if I have to write it out… it never gets done.  Actually, for Alexander’s 1st birthday – I wrote over 100 thank you notes…. and got distracted when it came time to address them, so in a pile they sit. For Alexander’s Auction – I just found a list of about 20 names to be added to the “Heartfelt Thank You” page – and a check that was sent months ago… The worst part isn’t that I just found this check – but that the girl who wrote me the check e-mailed me last month.  She was following up… because I'd never cashed it.  And I honestly can’t remember if I e-mailed her back or not.  Erin, if you are reading this… I found it and I’m sorry.

There are friendships I’ve let go.  Circles of women that I think about… but just don’t make the time to spend time with them.  My “rocks” for the last 4 years have been my twin mom friends.  Some of those friendships I just don’t put as much effort into as I should.  If I ask – any one of those girls would do anything for me… but I often miss out on big events in their life – like moves, struggles, and triumphs.  I’m just not as there for them as they are for me.  And it makes me sad. 

The week before school started, I offered to work on 2 projects for different dear friends.  Neither project was completed by the time we went back to school… and I haven’t looked at either project since.  I have been overworked with back to school… and – I’m sure they understand – but … isn’t that the point?

Everyone is SO UNDERSTANDING.  People forgive me all the time.  People accept me – even though I am a terrible friend.

  I … am … just … self (and family) … absorbed.



To all those in my life, I am truly sorry.  From the bottom of my heart – I appreciate you.  If you haven’t received a thank you note or phone call back or return e-mail or…. just the basics of a friendship – I don’t mean to undervalue you.

Thank you for keeping my family in your thoughts and prayers.  Thank you for remembering us.  Thank you for making excuses for me.  Thank you for offering up forgiveness time and time again. 

Thank you for being my friend.  Please know that until I can be a better friend back – I will remain “All Apologies” for my friendship faux pas.


Once again… Pouring My Heart out with Shell

Old Friends, New Books, Painful Stories, and that darn Syndrome

Yesterday was a good day.  Most people who saw me would say, it was a good day.  I actually was really excited to go to a small group discussion on a book.  I was as excited to go spend time with old friends as I was to talk about the book.  So let's start with the old friends.

We all change since high school.  We evolve into these people .. with values, morals, and opinions that set our boundaries help form our personalities.  Most of us hope to evolve into "good" people.   Like the valedictorian who is so humble I forgot she was first in our class. She could have been a doctor or lawyer or nuclear physicist... but is an OT and Photographer and first - a mother... because she pursued her passions in life instead of monetarily motivated ambitions.  Or how about the sweet girl with a big heart who was everyone's friend.  Who decided to take her personal tragedy and find a way to help others? Who started a non-profit organization with no direction at all... except prayerful guidance from God and a mission in her heart?

Although I'm neither of those people... I think I'm evolving to a place where I can be proud of the person I am.  And... I have to say that I'm proud to be friends with those two.  I find inspiration in each of them.  I couldn't wait to spend some time with them and other moms.  So ... I read the book - to go to the meeting. The book....

Heaven is for Real.  First of all... the book is amazing.  Definitely read it.  I'm only going to reveal what is on the back cover - but the book is about Colton's (4 years old) journey to heaven and back.  It is non-fiction.  If someone recommended this book to me under any other circumstances, I would probably laugh them off and stop reading their craziness... but this book is so compelling.  The book is also comforting.  Amazingly comforting.  I left our little group feeling happy with life.  I had lunch with a friend, I spent some time with my dad; Alexander and I globe trotted around without a real care in the world.

Then I came home to write about the 4th of July.  I was going to post pictures of our happiness and describe this incredible feeling that was washing over me daily.  And that is when I saw it - the blog post - on wolfhirschhorn.org.  The story so close to the book I just finished.  The story told by a "I'm content because God loves us" mother.  A missionary who faithfully follows God and does not question.  She wanted to share - so that her son would not be forgotten - the story of her sweet boy.  Even when describing her son's passing, she offers praise to God for not allowing her son to suffer.  She is a person with morals, values, and opinions I could only wish to have.  That peace and comfort comes to me at sometimes... but the selfishness is so much stronger.  The story should have given me peace.  After reading the book, after spending the day with my baby, the story should have made me smile.  Instead... it struck me with such panic I had to leave the house.  I called up an old friend, raced to her house, ran errands, and almost missed dinner because the need for air was so strong.  The panic was so intense - I just needed a minute. 

When I came home, our house was amidst craziness.  The twins were running, shouting the Veggie Tales theme song, and basically in Ray's way.  Alexander was squawking happily ready to be fed.  I ate dinner with my family, I hugged my kids, I hugged Ray, and I blogged pictures of my kids hugging.  I couldn't really explain the emotions that came on this roller coaster ride.  You feel so confident, so sure - that you are ready for the turns and loopty- loops... you let go.  And then, just as quickly, you need to grab hold again.  Sometimes I wonder if the roller coaster will ever be so easy that I can just let go and enjoy the wind in my hair.... but for now - if my posts seem light hearted and then smack back into reality - it is because these posts are a reflection of my life.... usually light hearted and sometimes just smacked back into the reality that darn syndrome can give me.

What a difference a year makes…. take #306

I have a picture heavy post again.
A weekend of laughter and love.
A heart that overflows.  A home that overflows.  A family that overflows.
Sometimes I find myself thinking about last year.  I don't actually remember much from last summer....The sadness overwhelmed my life.  The loss of a dream - of two blond haired boys in buzz cuts running across the back yard with one bossy little brunette in between them.  I cannot go back and get those lost memories back, but I can make new ones this summer. It makes my heart beat faster with every vibrant moment that is etched into my memory each day.

The twins had some quality time with Daddy at and "Explore Museum"  They loved touching and doing everything.





If you are in or near the Gettysburg area - I highly suggest you check it out. HERE is a link to their website.


On Saturday we went to this event called Touch a Truck.  A.M.A.Z.I.N.G.  Imagine this - you are two years old.  You look across the parking lot and see: Dump Trucks... that you can drive!


 

Not only Dump Trucks... but Scoops! (AKA Bull Dozers for you non Bob the Builder Fans)
 

Or take a ride on a school bus.... just like the big kids.

 

How about driving a Firetruck?






 

It's a twin thing. And I couldn't be prouder...

 

Driving a Cement Mixer was also a highlight.  They had a "train" set up that you could ride - but watching a helicopter lift off (as part of a demonstration) was amazing.


 Nana's house is like a sanctuary.  Everything is ... happiness.  Cousins chase each other around.  Little girls play together like long lost sisters.

 

 One of the best parts of the weekend was getting together with Ray's life long friend.  There is something special about knowing someone since pre-school.
 

The pool especially makes me think of last summer.  I couldn't go in it.  I love the pool.  I always have.  And I couldn't bear to be swim.  This year I love the water.  I love making pool memories with all 3 of our kids.  I love sharing these memories with life long friends.



 
 

Summertime.... Sunshine. Hugs. Memories. Love

Please, Lord, let this summer last a million minutes.  Let this time go so slowly that it seems to stand still.  Let my kids feel my love for them with every breath we take.