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Tuesday, May 3, 2011

How can I blog today?

When I feel turned upside down and inside out?  When I feel so much... and none of it has to do with my family? When I worry that I hurt someone's feelings?  When I wonder if life will be greener on the other side of that fence... like everyone tells me it will?  When I distrust because sometimes I know people say things just to make you feel better?

I want to blog everyday.  I want to be true to myself.  I want to be honest, open, and sincere.  So what happens when you experience such a miriad of emotions you can't help but feel completely exhausted?  What would you do if you were afraid of your own emotions? Would you blog about them?  And what if the situation were so open, that even by omitting names, you might write words on the internet that never go away?  Then do you give in to the "need to blog for yourself" or do you make way for "that voice that screams STOP!"

I will be honest to myself and pray that everyone will allow me to have this moment of human weakness.
I'm a teacher.
I teach all students.
I teach students who are and will be smarter than myself.
I teach students who have a variety of needs.
I work in a job that is high stress.
When I deal with companies (mostly health insurance, etc...) and they make mistakes, I find myself frustrated.
If I make a mistake... that is someone's life. It is someone's brain, education, future.  I take this responsibility seriously.
I've been trying to decide how to juggle the responsibility of work with kids, and just as I think I have it all figured out...things change.

Not only did they change, but they changed in a pretty big way.

The only way next year works is if I allow some of my passion to take a back seat and give another teacher a chance to be passionate also.

I'm scared to do that. I don't know how to not be passionate.  I'm worried I will lose myself in .... myself.

I'm worried that handing over the reigns of my passion, then the "spark" that ignites when I go into a classroom might also be extinguished.

When you put 2 sparks together... 2 flames.... does it burn brighter? Or does one flame put out the other?

I pray the flames will burn brighter. I'm scared they will put each other out.  I'm scared I'm going to hurt someone's feelings by being afraid.  I'm worried if I put too much into this blog I will cross a professional broundry.

Here is another question to ponder.....  at what point to I need to step back from all the graciousness I receive because of Alexander?  I know people try to keep my home life in mind when making decisions for me at work... but how long will that last? Will there be a time when I say, "I don't know if I can put any more on my plate," and people just tell me too bad?  I don't want to use our home life as a crutch or an excuse. 

I just am a clown - juggling all these balls - holding my breath - don't let those balls touch the ground.

I want to be good.  I want to be gracious.  I want to accept the changes in my life without fear.  I want to embrace the blessings. 

I hate that a few simple changes to one area of my life can make me have such anxiety. 
I want to remember what is important.

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At May 3, 2011 at 3:00 PM , Blogger GingerGirl said...

Change is scary. Especially when you have had a lot of changes, or even just a few changes that are major. It is normal. It is allowed. It makes you human which, despite your wonderful and beautiful need to be so strong for so many people, is something that we happen to love about you.

Rest assured, when two flames converge, they do burn brighter. The flame swells and gives out more light, more warmth, more energy. Perhaps this is the revitalization that you need. Things do, so very more often than we are aware, happen for a reason. Sometimes that reason is not known for quite some time, but then it dawns on you, and something just "clicks" and you know. You just know.

And as for others taking your life into account, well honey--that is just good fortune. Accept it graciously, although I know that for one who routinely gives rather than receives, it might be hard. But perhaps, just perhaps, the person who is looking out for you NEEDS to be passing on this goodwill.

Perhaps things are working here are that bigger than you, that are providing some "unknowable" benefit to them, and you are the instrument.

I wish for you this: to keep your courage, to let others be strong too and to share your burden when you are able, to trust your flame, and to feel the strength that all of your devoted readers (of which I count myself) try to send your way.


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