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Fashion advice from the horizontally challenged

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Saturday, July 9, 2011

Fashion advice from the horizontally challenged

So... As I'm testing all my pants and shirts to see what can go on the "soon I will fit into" pile - I find myself laughing at the ridiculousness of last year. I have gone to some extreme measures to deny that I was gaining weight.  I thought I would share some of my fashion advice.

1.  If you have to lay on your bed to zip the pants... don't wear them.

2.  People can recognized maternity clothes... don't kid yourself.  If you are still wearing maternity clothes at 1 year postpartum - buy a bigger size off the "normal" rack.

3.  If your cousin (who had a baby and was immediately skinnier than you) offers you her old "fat clothes" ... but they are all size petite because she is short.... don't take them!  You will just end up looking chubby and your ankles will stick out. (I didn't wear high heals all last year because.... um.... well - I didn't want to draw attention to my ankles.)

4.  Buying an entire rack of "poofy" shirts to hide your "muffin top" doesn't work as well as you think it does.

5.  One more - I just actually did - sucking it in while standing on the scales - really will not make a difference in how much you weigh.

Let's face it.  If you are committing 2 or more of these offenses, e-mail me.  We can talk.  I'm not a fashionista - but I do have some experience in horizontally challenged fashion faux paux.

Update:
If you haven't noticed - there has been a debate about how much weight you can subtract based on the added poundage of your head.  So - I weighed my head. Just as my family has always suspected....
It is empty.
Trust me... I weighed it several times.
*sigh*

Labels:

7 Comments:

At July 9, 2011 at 9:14 AM , OpenID joanna said...

My diet tip: Weight your head. The average human head weighs 8 lbs. I weighed mine..it seems to be around 5 lbs. You get to automatically deduct your head from your total weight, because there really isn't anything you can do about that.

 
At July 9, 2011 at 11:33 AM , Blogger Tiffany said...

I like Joanna's tip! Maybe my hair counts for 1-2 lbs. LOL

 
At July 9, 2011 at 11:43 AM , Blogger Kristen said...

Joanna... you know what I just realized? People don't log onto my blog to hear my ramblings - they log in to hear your funny responses. You are too funny!

 
At July 9, 2011 at 12:20 PM , Blogger Kristin said...

Ok So Seriously I just weighed my head....8.5 lbs baby!!- (At least i know where Laney Grace gets her big head from )

That is a great weight loss for today ;) Love you guys

Kristen i might be guilty of at least a few of these- not spilling the beans on which ones though ;)

 
At July 9, 2011 at 3:18 PM , Blogger Kristin said...

How is that Possible Kristen? It has to weigh something - you are just too brillant in my opinion. Maybe you should have Joanna weigh it - well on second thought maybe not for a very long time given her line of work.

 
At July 9, 2011 at 10:20 PM , Blogger justin and marsi said...

hahaha!!! i love you girls and the comments! i'm am sitting here laughing and my DH is looking at me like i'm crazy! you know everyone who reads this is going to weigh their head now...

 
At August 9, 2011 at 9:12 AM , OpenID joanna said...

Ahh, I see the problem. It's all in the shoulders..put the camera down, relax and watch the pounds fall off!!!

 

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