Friday's Confession Booth: You know what is more embarrassing?

Welcome to the first ever Friday's Confession Booth.  To participate - you write a "Confession Post."  It doesn't have to be serious, and you can read more about them HERE.  Then you grab the button and place it in your post to link back and share with everyone's confessions.




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My Confession
 
 You know what is more embarrassing than weighing in at Weight Watchers?  Weighing in after you’ve been on a 5 week dieting hiatus.  At least at the first weigh in, I could just walk in – admit I was fat – and get on with it. ..

Now – here’s how I envision Monday going:


I go to weigh in.

“Why hello there.  What is your name again? We thought you quit.”

Nope… I’m still here. I just chose to give you a donation the past few weeks. I’ve been pretty busy.

“It can’t be that bad - just step up on the scales and let’s see what the damage is.” (snickering)

(me… quietly thinking about punching this girl).

“Hmmm! I see we haven’t been tracking our points this past … um … what was it? Month and a half?”

No, I chose to just donate to Weight Watchers.  I didn’t want to use their tools… just support their organization.

“That monthly fee can really add up. You should take advantage of these meetings.”

I give to Jesus because I want to and pay my taxes because I have to… You guys are somewhere in the middle, but definitely on the taxes side of things.

“Well, you’re back here now and that is all that matters.  +10lbs is … going to be a struggle, but it is doable.”

(me… quietly wanting to punch this girl.)

I wanted to make sure you still have a job.

“You know honey. This is about your health.”

(I might just punch this girl.)

Ray says I’m not allowed to continue to “donate” and not use the stuff we are paying for.  Kind of like the gym down the street that I donate to.  I seriously want to go on a diet before I go back to weight watchers because it will be humiliating to go in after paying dues all summer and step on the scales and be HEAVIER than I was when I started!  But, what can I say?  I’ve been on vacation, gone to parties, picnics, and every day promised I would begin to start watching what I eat.  Because of that promise, I give myself a “one day pass” to eat whatever I want today.  And.. then.. I. do. it. again. the next day. 

**sigh** I’m going to go have a snickers bar or something because on Monday – I’m going back to Weight Watchers. … Maybe.

There is my confession for the week.  I’m donating to Weight Watchers and slowly gaining weight because I’m too proud to go weigh in at a higher weight than I started at.


Take a minute – Link up your Friday's Confessional Post!

I fell off the Bandwagon

landed hard, broke both of my legs, and took out a sumo wrestler in the process.  I fell off the Weight Watchers Bandwagon.

Stupid Weight Watchers.

So – it started with our beach trip.  I would say – I took a one week “time out” from dieting. 


Imagine a league of Weight Watchers skinny people saying, “That’s why we call it a lifestyle  not a diet.” 

Stupid Weight Watchers.

Then we came back… and getting back on track was a little difficult. 

Imagine a league of Weight Watchers skinny people saying, “You just need to Track what you eat.”

Stupid Weight Watchers.

Everyone I know has had a birthday party in the last 2 weeks.  Niece, nephew, cousin, Ray, Ray’s mom, my dad, my mom…. the list goes on and on and on.  And everyone has CAKE … and SODA… and BREAD… Seriously people.  BREAD.  Then there are those town fairs.  Who can chose a salad (I don’t even think they sell salad at fairs) when you have sausage sandwiches and French fries and ice cream.

Imagine a league of Weight Watchers skinny people saying, “You just need to make better choices.”

Stupid Weight Watchers
 
Ugh.  I've eaten everything in sight. Everything in sight. ... Because tomorrow I'm going to hop back on.  Then  - I see something I just can't live without... eat it ... and promise to start dieting tomorrow.

Imagine me encountering that league of skinny Weight Watchers people... It is not pretty.

Stupid Weight Watchers

Right now I’m bitter. And not skinnier.  In fact, I might have to go bust out some old maternity clothes and poufy shirts from HERE. 

Watch out Weight Watchers skinny people. I might just sit on you. 

I know why I'm fat.....

It's because I have kids.  And, no - not because I birthed 3 children in 18 months... because I have children right now.  And I love them.

Let's start with Alexander.  I'm fat because I love you.  Yes, I know people will say you are not sick on purpose.  I suppose it is possible that when you wake up in the middle of the night miserable that I could cuddle you "better" and then put you down on some reclining sleep positioner.  I suppose I could then sleep on the couch until you needed me again.  If I did that, then I wouldn't have needed the extra 2 sodas this morning and the tall stack of pancakes .. with extra syrup.  But, let's be honest.  I really needed to hold you You really needed me to hold you last night.  You needed me to rock you while you slept nuzzled against my neck.  I definitely did it for me you.  Please feel better so I can focus on dieting again. 

Andrew.  You are the reason I'm fat.  Because you are so stinking cute.  You are so cute that I had to explain to Vinnie (our favorite restaurant owner; who is also Greek; who is also bigger than our entire family put together) why you had to move seats - to sit next to his daughter - because she is your "girlfriend."  Yup, I'll take an extra order of fries with that.  And how am I supposed to explain to Vinnie about tonight? When we went to the birthday party?  You know I wasn't going to eat any cake or ice cream or chips.  But then you got yourself another girlfriend.  More chips over here please.  You are so stinking cute. I'm sure it is not technically your fault.  I mean, you are one of the three cutest kids I have ever seen.  I know all moms must think their kids are cute, but we all know the truth - you and your brother and sister are the cutest.  Hence - I'm struggling to lose weight.

Addison.  You are the final reason I'm not losing weight!  I would like to personally applaud your efforts to be a big helper.  Changing Andrew's poopy diaper during your nap time was genius.  I mean... who wants to sleep with a poopy diaper?  However, we normally use a changing table to minimize the mess.  We also use wipes - for the same reason.  And, around this house - we like to keep the poop inside the diaper. Just in case you were wondering.  How am I supposed to choose a salad over pizza when I am laughing so hard at your ingenuity?  I love you girl.  I love you so much.  And I love that some day you will no longer need diapers.  You will be wise enough to actually change a diaper without assistance.  So I will laugh at this (as I eat my slice of pizza) and remember that these times are fleeing. 

So.... reason's I'm fat:
1. Hugging and cuddling Alexander instead of sleeping
2. Worrying about Andrew and his extra suave moves for the ladies
3. Addison... you are the funniest person I know. I love you.

So, I will trade love, cuddles, funny moments, and happiness for my waistline.  Thank you for giving me those great gifts.  I'll work on my waistline next week.
Love, Mom

The hypothetical situation that almost hypothetically ruined an anniversary

First - I must tell you that before Ray and I were married, we had to complete "marriage counseling" sessions with our pastor.  During one of those sessions, we examined - in depth - the way our parents react to situations, values they handed down to us, and practices we have unwittingly adopted from them.

Next - I'm going to tell you several hypothetical stories.  These are of "sensitive" issues, so I don't want you to think - for even a moment - that they could be about me or my family.

Hypothetically, there is this couple that had an anniversary.

Hypothetically - the wife in this couple unwittingly inherited many habits from her own father.  One of those habits was a relaxed attitude about things that are not "essential."  For example... this wife's father (hypothetically) probably has at least one vehicle in his driveway that is not inspected... Hypothetically. 

Get the picture?

So - hypothetically - the husband surprised the wife with a great night of fun for their anniversary.

The husband made dinner reservations, had flowers sent to their table, and took the wife out to play a little roulette - which this hypothetical wife liked to play once or twice a year.

It was a great evening and the couple left when they broke even - they didn't even lose any money.  Everyone was all smiles and love.  It was at this point that the hypothetical situation went awry.

As the hypothetical man went to retrieve the flowers, the hypothetical wife went to ask the nice security guard where she could cash in her chips. 

That is when it happened.

The hypothetical security guard asked the hypothetical wife for her license. 

And lets just say... for argument's sake... that the hypothetical license was expired.  Hypothetically, because the wife had put on a few pounds and didn't want to be fat on her license photo.  And .... hypothetically ... this security guard wouldn't let the wife back on the floor... and .. ahem... called for more security back - up.

And the hypothetical husband rounded the corner as 2 hypothetical security guards are arguing with his hypothetical wife over her hypothetical license that the husband told her to renew months ago.

Got that mental image?

Sort of a romantic dampener.

I sure am glad this story is all made up - otherwise - some people were probably in trouble... or at least very thankful they have an awesomely forgiving husband.

Fashion advice from the horizontally challenged

So... As I'm testing all my pants and shirts to see what can go on the "soon I will fit into" pile - I find myself laughing at the ridiculousness of last year. I have gone to some extreme measures to deny that I was gaining weight.  I thought I would share some of my fashion advice.

1.  If you have to lay on your bed to zip the pants... don't wear them.

2.  People can recognized maternity clothes... don't kid yourself.  If you are still wearing maternity clothes at 1 year postpartum - buy a bigger size off the "normal" rack.

3.  If your cousin (who had a baby and was immediately skinnier than you) offers you her old "fat clothes" ... but they are all size petite because she is short.... don't take them!  You will just end up looking chubby and your ankles will stick out. (I didn't wear high heals all last year because.... um.... well - I didn't want to draw attention to my ankles.)

4.  Buying an entire rack of "poofy" shirts to hide your "muffin top" doesn't work as well as you think it does.

5.  One more - I just actually did - sucking it in while standing on the scales - really will not make a difference in how much you weigh.

Let's face it.  If you are committing 2 or more of these offenses, e-mail me.  We can talk.  I'm not a fashionista - but I do have some experience in horizontally challenged fashion faux paux.

Update:
If you haven't noticed - there has been a debate about how much weight you can subtract based on the added poundage of your head.  So - I weighed my head. Just as my family has always suspected....

 

It is empty.

Trust me... I weighed it several times.

*sigh*

Happy 4th and an update

So here they are..... the long awaited photos of our adventures during the 4th of July weekend.  I should tell you - the camera is broken again, so we are once again resorting to photos from my ugh camera and cell phone. 

We usually spend the 4th of July watching fireworks from my cousin's house.  It is the perfect location to watch fireworks.  It is just far enough away that the fireworks don't seem too intimidating or loud, but close enough that they still draw you in.  We have a great picnic with friends and family and the twins have plenty to entertain them.

 Grandma with Alexander

 Chasing bubbles....

 The 5 of us.... One momma loving life.

Now onto updates in the weight gain / loss section.  Let's start with me and weight loss.  Since outing myself in THIS post, I've been a Weight Watcher's member. (posted HERE)  I'm officially "down" 10lbs, but I think it might be more like 13 or 15.  Here's a few of photos taken today. (I know.... fluorescent lights do nothing for my figure)

 You know... most people take these pictures because they think they are hot. 

 Front view - definitely not my best. Oh well....

Notice I didn't make those pictures any bigger. 
Please don't mind the toothpaste crud on my mirror.  For more of this, you can check out my post HERE.

Here are a few of my favorite recipes to keep me on track:
Breakfast - 1/2 cup egg white beaters fried, 2% American cheese, and a light English muffin. (You really can trick yourself into thinking it is real)
Lunch / dinner - pita, pizza sauce, mushrooms, and low fat cheese. 
My newest, most favorite desert ever.  - take the caps off a quart of strawberries.  Freeze the strawberries.  Put them in the blender, a scoop of fat free cool whip, and add a little milk - and voila' - a milkshake that tastes AWESOME!

Alexander's weight.  Believe this or not - he's gaining too fast.  He is suddenly really floppy, so I think it is a combination of 2 things.  I think the depakote is probably making him a little lethargic.  But, I also think his weight gain is faster than his muscle gain. He gained 6 oz in 16 days.  Previously, it took him 3 months or more to gain 6 oz.  Yes - it rocks that he gained 6 oz, but.... really it doesn't.  His muscle tone can't handle that much weight that fast.  The "problem" is his huge appetite on the depakote.  On the 4th of July, he ate 3 oz at breakfast, 3 oz at lunch, and 3 oz at dinner.  Then he ate a small piece of chocolate cake! We love it, but we are calling the neurologist tomorrow to probably try a new seizure med.  We will keep you updated.

I swear - he is thinking, "It wasn't me! I did not eat that entire cake!"

I joined the "Old Lady Fat Club"....

A.K.A. Weight Watchers.  Yes, I joined.  I'm a dues paying member.  Now, I did not mean to offend any other members of Weight Watchers.  I don't mean that it is for old ladies or ... well - it is just - Weight Watchers is my mom's way to lose weight.  Or at least a mom's way.

Confession time.  I think I have reverse body dismorphia.  You see - body dismorphia is when a person is skinny and looks in the mirror and can't see the thin them... they see a chubby them. I feel skinny.  I feel like that person from age 23.  I'm not a mom.  I'm HOT.  And then I walk past a mirror - realize that the mental me and the "me" from my imagination are two different people.  Reverse Body Dismorphia.  I think I'm skinny - and the truth is I'm not.  So I joined.  I stepped on that scale.  The number popped up and I think I threatened to kill the lady if she read it out loud.  No worries though, it is a cleverly kept secret between her, myself, and the paper in my purse.

So now you know. The final step in my transformation into a "mom" is to go get some jeans that reach way up beyond my belly button, a bra with no under wire, and granny panties.  *sigh*  I guess it happens to the best of us.  We shall see - maybe Weight Watchers will magically turn me into Jennifer Hudson and I will end up in a bikini next summer.  (One can always have dreams). 

FYI.... Body Dismorphia actually exists and many people with eating disorders really experience it.  I don't mean to make light of any situation in which someone has an eating disorder.  I also don't mean to offend anyone who is an active participant in Weight Watchers.  Quite possibly - you are not old... and neither am I.  This post does not necessarily represent the ideas or views of this station blog.