Letter to the Mothers who live my deepest fear

Just answer me one question, how do you go on?

If I would have been asked two years ago what my greatest fear was, I would have said, “Having an unhealthy baby.”  When you are pregnant these are the fears that occupy your mind.  When that fear was realized, I found a way to go on.  I knew it was not the end, but only the beginning of a new journey.  I knew… it wasn’t really my greatest fear.  I survived that fear… but I still have one left.


It is so crippling, that sometimes I struggle to breathe.  It consumes my thoughts at least once a day.  How do you endure the death of a child? 

This past two weeks, two beautiful people with the same syndrome as Alexander have passed on to Heaven.  I write those words from my head.  My head tells me that they are running free of all physical restrictions and are awaiting the arrival of their family in Heaven.  My faith tells my head that truth. 

But my heart won’t listen.  My heart brakes for the families of those children.  My heart rages at the syndrome that leaves so many fears.  My heart … crumbles into a million pieces as I admit my deep dark secret.  I am not as strong as I seem.  I do not know how those mothers go on.  I do not know if I would be able. 

In our small church, there are several mothers who have buried their children.  On Sunday, I sat and looked around, and my thoughts drifted to the parents – connected – to – me – through – genetics… I quietly wept.  Will I someday find myself amongst those ranks?  Who even thinks these thoughts?  Will I alienate myself because I have this fear?  Because I’ve aired it out loud?  How can I bury this fear?  Will I push myself further away from my friends who already don’t quite know what to say to me?

** My good friend (whom I ran this post by before publishing it) asked me WHY I am so scared right now.  I started to write it in this post, but erased it because it seemed too wordy.  Not only has our small community lost several beloved people lately, but other, more personal things have happened.
When I was pregnant with Alexander, we attempted to buy a bigger – 2 story – house.  Our attempts were not realized and I remember asking one of my closest confidants, “What if God is making sure we don’t sell our house because something is wrong with the baby?  What if he wants us to stay here because he knows we won’t be able to handle the stress of a bigger mortgage?”
Fast forward – we did not buy a bigger house.  That fear was realized.
A few weeks ago, there was an opportunity for us to possibly, again, attempt to get a bigger house for our family.  A larger house would also bring a larger mortgage and would commit us to a 2 paycheck family.  I prayed one prayer, “God… please let the decision to move or stay be an easy one to make.”  It turned out, that prayer was answered – the decision was easy.  The offer was not what we expected .. and we are staying.  In the back of my mind – I can’t help but think, “God knows my fears.  He knows I am week and might not be able to maintain a job if something happens to Alexander.  God is taking care of us.”  And it scares me – literally into a state of debilitation. **

I’m not sleeping. I’m literally paralyzed with this fear. I hold Alexander … and beg for mercy. I think of him constantly. And, truth be told – I don’t know how I would cope if anything happened to any of my children. And my head knows that anything can happen to anyone at anytime. But my heart worries for my medically fragile child. As each child is brought to us in prayer – death, seizures, complications …. it grips my heart.


But … really … how do those mothers go on?
There. I just poured my heart out.  Shell @ Things I Can’t Say encouraged me to do it…