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Wednesday, October 26, 2011

I’m Not Ready

Dear Andrew and Addison,

I started this whole post… starting from your birth story.  And then I scratched it… because your birth story isn't really the words I need to tell today.

Truth is, I’m not ready.

I’m not ready for you to be 3.  You can’t be 3.  Just yesterday you were in the NICU.  Just last week I was pregnant.  Being pregnant with you was one of the true blessings in my life. 

Addison, you were baby A.  The lowest. The official “first born.”  The hardest to name.  Full head of hair and a perfectly beautiful face.

Andrew, you were baby B.  Feet always in my ribs. Bald, beautiful, and truly a Momma’s boy.  I have a secret to tell you… Your name is not really Andrew.  It is Raymond Andrew – the fifth.  Maybe you will learn it later – like when you are in kindergarten and the teacher calls your name and you don’t answer.

I cried the day you were born.  I was drugged and it was too dangerous for me to go down to see you in the NICU.  I begged and pleaded with the doctors and nurses to please let me see my babies.  I’ve loved you since the day you were dreamed in your Daddy and my heart.  I could not bear to be away from you… even for those hours.  Here were the pictures they sent me instead.

addison    andrew

Those pictures were not enough.  Only when you were placed in my arms could I feel like a Mommy.  Your Mommy.  The most amazing gift.  How did we manage to create twins?  Born at 33 weeks.  21 days in the NICU.  And completely amazing…

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Only a blink of an eye passed before you celebrated your first Christmas, first Easter, were Baptized, and enjoyed the long days of summer.
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Then … you were a year old. A year of life. A year of celebrations, help, more help…  A year of LOVE. 

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andrew_and_addison_christmas_2 - Copyaddison_1_year_1 - Copyandrew_1_year_3 - CopyDSC_0812DSC_0819

How did another year pass by?  Where did that year between one and two go?  Six months in, we added Alexander, and I admit … things became blurry for awhile.  But I think these things happen to others also.  I think all moms feel like this time goes so slowly when you are living it, but so quickly at the same time. 


I’m just not ready.  I’m not ready for the “grown – up-ness”  Honestly? You can go back into diapers.  I’m not ready to kiss my babies goodbye.  I’m not ready for the preschool I know you need.  I’m not ready to give up the snuggles you no longer crave.  I’m not ready for the big boy and big girl cups and spoons and forks and … I’m not ready for you to be able to wash your hands by yourself. 

Tomorrow is your birthday.  3.  It is happening, whether I’m ready or not.  You  are growing, whether I’m ready or not.  And you are growing into such amazing children.  I’m really proud of the people you are becoming.  I love you…. you who made me a Mommy.  You who opened my heart to this beautiful thing called unconditional love. 

Happy Birthday, sweet babies. 

Thanks Shell – for letting my Pour My Heart Out. 

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At October 26, 2011 at 8:42 AM , Blogger Terry said...

OMG.....can those kiddos be any cuter?? You are truly blessed!!

At October 26, 2011 at 8:51 AM , Blogger Shell said...

Happy third birthday to your adorable babies!

At October 26, 2011 at 9:49 AM , Blogger TiAnna Mae said...

Too cute! Enjoy and document every precious moment!

At October 26, 2011 at 10:11 AM , Blogger DazzleMea (Mama4Chaos) said...

Aw, how cute! Happy birthday to them and many hugs to you! Having children make the time fly by wayyy to fast. I don't think it ever gets easier for us mothers...

At October 26, 2011 at 10:14 AM , Blogger Adrienne said...

Happy birthday to them!!! They are so adorable!

At October 26, 2011 at 11:20 AM , Blogger Meredith said...

I get it.

Those are some amazing pictures, that tell the story of an absolutely blessed life.

I am so glad that you shared them . . .


At October 26, 2011 at 11:30 AM , Blogger Anastasia said...

Serious cuteness! I know what you mean, my youngest is turning two soon. They just need to stop the growing already!

At October 26, 2011 at 6:13 PM , Anonymous A Mother's Thoughts said...

Aw, Happy Birthday Tomorrow Addison & Andrew!! I hope that you both have a wonderful day full of presents, cake and lots of love!!!

Love the pictures!


At October 26, 2011 at 6:42 PM , Blogger Kristen said...

Thanks guys! I'm kind of partial to them myself. I just can't believe they are THREE already. *sigh*

At October 26, 2011 at 6:49 PM , Anonymous Denise said...

Aw, Happy Birthday to your sweeties! Love all the pictures. I understand not being ready for them to grow up. It goes so fast!

At October 26, 2011 at 8:16 PM , Blogger championm2000 said...

Teary-eyed here!!

Happy birthday to Andrew and Addison!

PS-BlogHer in August sounds like a good idea...(insert thinking, scheming face here).

At October 27, 2011 at 6:16 AM , Anonymous Andrea said...

Happy 3rd Birthday to Addison and Andrew! I love your Halloween costumes!

At October 30, 2011 at 10:49 AM , Blogger Deb said...

Last night, Li'l D's grammas agreed to keep Li'l D for a night--his first night away from his parents.

I thought I'd feel an overwhelming thrill. Instead, what I felt was sadness. How quickly things are changing!

He's already a month into two, but his birthday was just yesterday. Wasn't it? I want to put on the brakes. Not all the way, just enough so time moves at a reasonable speed and I can savor all this a little more.


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