I’m Not Ready

Dear Andrew and Addison,

I started this whole post… starting from your birth story.  And then I scratched it… because your birth story isn't really the words I need to tell today.

Truth is, I’m not ready.



I’m not ready for you to be 3.  You can’t be 3.  Just yesterday you were in the NICU.  Just last week I was pregnant.  Being pregnant with you was one of the true blessings in my life. 


Addison, you were baby A.  The lowest. The official “first born.”  The hardest to name.  Full head of hair and a perfectly beautiful face.

Andrew, you were baby B.  Feet always in my ribs. Bald, beautiful, and truly a Momma’s boy.  I have a secret to tell you… Your name is not really Andrew.  It is Raymond Andrew – the fifth.  Maybe you will learn it later – like when you are in kindergarten and the teacher calls your name and you don’t answer.


I cried the day you were born.  I was drugged and it was too dangerous for me to go down to see you in the NICU.  I begged and pleaded with the doctors and nurses to please let me see my babies.  I’ve loved you since the day you were dreamed in your Daddy and my heart.  I could not bear to be away from you… even for those hours.  Here were the pictures they sent me instead.

   

Those pictures were not enough.  Only when you were placed in my arms could I feel like a Mommy.  Your Mommy.  The most amazing gift.  How did we manage to create twins?  Born at 33 weeks.  21 days in the NICU.  And completely amazing…


Only a blink of an eye passed before you celebrated your first Christmas, first Easter, were Baptized, and enjoyed the long days of summer.


Then … you were a year old. A year of life. A year of celebrations, help, more help…  A year of LOVE. 




How did another year pass by?  Where did that year between one and two go?  Six months in, we added Alexander, and I admit … things became blurry for awhile.  But I think these things happen to others also.  I think all moms feel like this time goes so slowly when you are living it, but so quickly at the same time. 



I’m just not ready.  I’m not ready for the “grown – up-ness”  Honestly? You can go back into diapers.  I’m not ready to kiss my babies goodbye.  I’m not ready for the preschool I know you need.  I’m not ready to give up the snuggles you no longer crave.  I’m not ready for the big boy and big girl cups and spoons and forks and … I’m not ready for you to be able to wash your hands by yourself. 

Tomorrow is your birthday.  3.  It is happening, whether I’m ready or not.  You  are growing, whether I’m ready or not.  And you are growing into such amazing children.  I’m really proud of the people you are becoming.  I love you…. you who made me a Mommy.  You who opened my heart to this beautiful thing called unconditional love. 

Happy Birthday, sweet babies. 


Thanks Shell – for letting my Pour My Heart Out.