Because she Lost the fight…

My dearest friend, forever friend, sister of my heart,
I’ve been talking to you all day… and I know you loved to read my blog, so – I guess I will just put it to words so I can know you can read it in Heaven.  And… I can read it anytime I need to be closer to you.

I honestly can’t seem to find the words.  I can’t remember a memory that doesn’t have you there.  You have always been there.  My entire life.  How am I supposed to go on without you here? 

We all knew it was going to happen.  The words terminal have spun off our lips like a whisper for years.  But you fought.  You fought the cancer.  You fought. For years.  Even when it became painful… you still fought.

Remember?  Where do I even begin with the “remember when’s?”  How do I even put to words the love that flows when I think of all the things.  Those private Wednesday dates before I could even drive.  When you were my ride to church.  Every week … you heard the secrets of my heart. 

I will forever cherish the photos of you holding my first two miracles.  When I heard the news… I became almost frantic looking for these photos.  I couldn’t bear the thought they might have been lost.
                       
But… the spring when I was pregnant with Alexander… you were one of the few who held me together.  Our private joke was always how odd we must’ve looked… the pregnant lady and cancer fighter.  Between the two of us, we could barely walk very far. Or lift things. … but we spent our time together.  Laughing all the way.


A funny story that she would laugh to know I told now.  She worked at our church for awhile.  One day, she went down to clean out the church mailboxes.  You know… the people that haven’t been to church in forever and still have fliers from 6 months ago.  She wasn’t sure what our pastor would think of the idea… so she just went.  While she was tidying, she noticed this bottle of water in our church mailbox.  She felt certain it was trash and with the 3 kids, we just didn’t have time to take care of it yet.  She threw it away.  That night, in the middle of sleep… she woke up in sheer panic.  She was afraid it was “holy water” from Alexander’s baptism.  I know she fished it out of the trash can, and I’m fairly certain she went to the church in the middle of the night to grab it.  When she gave it to me… with the story – I told her it was just a bottle of bubbles.  But, I used to take pictures of the “holy water” everywhere and send them to her.

How can I laugh when you are not here to share my jokes?  Who will stand next to me – if I ever return to Wednesday nights?  Who will be my secret keeper?  Why couldn’t the “holy water” work?  Is it nice in Heaven? Can you see us?  Do you know that I miss you?  Like heart break miss you?  Who will fill the hole you left?