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Because she Lost the fight…

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Sunday, October 16, 2011

Because she Lost the fight…

My dearest friend, forever friend, sister of my heart,
I’ve been talking to you all day… and I know you loved to read my blog, so – I guess I will just put it to words so I can know you can read it in Heaven.  And… I can read it anytime I need to be closer to you.

I honestly can’t seem to find the words.  I can’t remember a memory that doesn’t have you there.  You have always been there.  My entire life.  How am I supposed to go on without you here? 

We all knew it was going to happen.  The words terminal have spun off our lips like a whisper for years.  But you fought.  You fought the cancer.  You fought. For years.  Even when it became painful… you still fought.

Remember?  Where do I even begin with the “remember when’s?”  How do I even put to words the love that flows when I think of all the things.  Those private Wednesday dates before I could even drive.  When you were my ride to church.  Every week … you heard the secrets of my heart. 

I will forever cherish the photos of you holding my first two miracles.  When I heard the news… I became almost frantic looking for these photos.  I couldn’t bear the thought they might have been lost.
P3310439                        P3310440
But… the spring when I was pregnant with Alexander… you were one of the few who held me together.  Our private joke was always how odd we must’ve looked… the pregnant lady and cancer fighter.  Between the two of us, we could barely walk very far. Or lift things. … but we spent our time together.  Laughing all the way.

A funny story that she would laugh to know I told now.  She worked at our church for awhile.  One day, she went down to clean out the church mailboxes.  You know… IMG00133-20110119-1333the people that haven’t been to church in forever and still have fliers from 6 months ago.  She wasn’t sure what our pastor would think of the idea… so she just went.  While she was tidying, she noticed this bottle of water in our church mailbox.  She felt certain it was trash and with the 3 kids, we just didn’t have time to take care of it yet.  She threw it away.  That night, in the middle of sleep… she woke up in sheer panic.  She was afraid it was “holy water” from Alexander’s baptism.  I know she fished it out of the trash can, and I’m fairly certain she went to the church in the middle of the night to grab it.  When she gave it to me… with the story – I told her it was just a bottle of bubbles.  But, I used to take pictures of the “holy water” everywhere and send them to her.

How can I laugh when you are not here to share my jokes?  Who will stand next to me – if I ever return to Wednesday nights?  Who will be my secret keeper?  Why couldn’t the “holy water” work?  Is it nice in Heaven? Can you see us?  Do you know that I miss you?  Like heart break miss you?  Who will fill the hole you left? 

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At October 16, 2011 at 8:49 PM , Blogger Kristin said...

Such a touching thing Kristen! I ran for her today and anyone fighting cancer. I wish I had her name on my hat- next I will make sure!

At October 16, 2011 at 9:38 PM , Blogger Non-Stop Mom said...

Kristen, I am so so so sorry for your loss. I can't even begin to imagine the pain that you are feeling right now. Nothing I can say will take that away, so just know that I am thinking of you and praying for you across the miles.


At October 16, 2011 at 10:09 PM , Blogger Cookie's Mom said...

Kristen I am so sorry for your loss. She sounds like a wonderful soul, and I'm sure she is still with you and watching over your children.

I know the pain of losing someone to cancer. My heart goes out to you.

Remember to continue to be strong, as she was, as she prays for you and brings you her strength.

At October 16, 2011 at 11:46 PM , Blogger Awn said...

Oh girlie, I'm so sorry. We all know that life is not fair, the world is a painful place and there seem to be times when the loads we have to carry with us are heart-breakingly heavy.
The upside? That God has such mercy that we don't linger in these places but mourn, as we should and need to, and then we hopefully move through the pain and sadness.
Prayers for you and your smarting spirit and heart tonight.

At October 17, 2011 at 5:06 AM , Blogger Meredith said...

What a beautiful tribute... Such wonderful memories to cherish...

So sorry for your loss.
Grateful for your reunion to come.

At October 17, 2011 at 6:56 AM , Blogger championm2000 said...

So very sorry for your loss. Thinking of you and sending you a hug.

At October 17, 2011 at 8:20 AM , Blogger justin and marsi said...

So sorry to hear that you lost a loved one Kristen. It's so hard. Will be praying for strength for you.

At October 17, 2011 at 4:14 PM , Blogger Krista @ Not Mommy of the Year said...

Oh, I'm so sorry. Thinking of & praying for you.

At October 17, 2011 at 4:46 PM , Blogger LB said...

Oh my goodness! I am so sorry to hear that your friend lost her fight against cancer. She sounds like she was one of a kind.

At October 17, 2011 at 5:34 PM , Blogger Deb said...

Those pictures remind me of the ones I took of my son and my mom at the end of my mom's life. She hated that I was taking the photos, but there was no way I could miss taking them . . . knowing they were the only photos I'd ever get of her with my son.

She looked at the pictures and saw her frailty. I looked at them and saw her love.

That continues to be what I see.

I am so sorry for your loss. I hope you keep those bubbles with you, to remember her fishing them out of the garbage and remember her hands once holding them. It's not a lot, but it's the kind of thing that helps me. (In my case, it's a stack of letters I had to coax my mom to write when I first moved away: "Mom, I do NOT care about your grammar. Just write!")

At October 17, 2011 at 7:17 PM , Blogger jen@its all about me said...

How so sad that your friend lost her life and that you're so sad, well it just hurts me to read this.

I am so sorry for you both. It sounds to me the type of friendship that is eternal that transcends flesh and I know she's in your heart and you'll carry her there forever. Bless her soul.

Please know that you are both in my prayers.

At October 17, 2011 at 7:50 PM , Blogger Kristen said...

Thanks - everyone.... Deb - I am going to keep the bubbles. I appreciate all of your warm thoughts. Please keep her family close in your prayers this coming week. As difficult as this is... I can not imagine what her family is going through. Thanks again for the warm thoughts. She really was a beautiful person.

At October 18, 2011 at 7:53 PM , Anonymous A Mother's Thoughts said...

My heart breaks for you! Anyone that has a best friend knows that they are a piece of our soul. They are the feeling of completion. Though she may not be in your mists now, she will be with you forever. She did what any good friend would make a mark in your life and to show you what real friendship should be. HUGS


At October 23, 2011 at 11:44 PM , Blogger Eric, Erin, Elsie and Emmy said...

What an amazing friend that you lost. I am so sorry for that and the pain. Hugs and prayers. I pray as I run and have another thing to add


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