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Tuesday, November 8, 2011

3 am

You know who is beautiful at 3am? My baby boy.IMG_0421

I watch him… as I promised.  To get us this room. 

He sighs. His chest rises and falls. His eyes are just cracked a bit.  His downturned mouth… is slightly up.

I love that boy.  That miracle baby.  A few hours ago they went for the femoral artery to get blood.  They had to do it twice.  And when I walked back in the room… he let me soothe his tears.  I was too weak to stay in the room with him – my fighter baby – but he still let me comfort him.

I would move mountains for that kid.  To see him BE.  Just … BE.  No more seizures. No more arterial sticks.

Earlier today, I just had to get the anger out.  If this blog is my outlet, then I have to be able to be angry every once in awhile.  It was anger that stems from Mommy Fear.  Fear for my son.  My baby who cannot speak for himself.

I said I wasn’t going to do this, but my heart has mended.  My baby hero has once again shown me the way.

I am thankful for LIFE.  His life, Andrew’s life, Addison’s life, Ray’s life….. My parent’s life (including in-laws – because they are my parents just as much)… those who love us…. LIFE

Speaking of LOVE… I am thankful for it.  Today my friends and family lifted us up in prayer.  My friend, who has precious little time to spare, listened to my tears of frustration.  My colleagues will ask how we are.  My students will want to see a picture of Alexander smiling in reassurance… the way kids do. LOVE in all forms.

I am thankful for a seizure.  We have a shirt covered in Alexander’s seizure “aura” to send ahead for his dog.  We are to send 2 shirts… One with the seizure sent and one without.  Our dog will be prepared.  (Alexander’s seizure started while he was in his car seat waiting in the van…. It was the grace of God that gave this seizure a new look and sound, or Ray would have never known he was seizing.)

I am still angry with insensitive people who forget that a person’s life is in their hands.  I will still be calling about this.

But life is more than anger.  I needed to blog it away… and almost immediately I could feel the tension release from my fearful heart.  The anger is poison that threatens to eat all those blessings. 

My heart doesn’t have room for it.

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2 Comments:

At November 8, 2011 at 4:59 PM , Blogger jen@ living a full life said...

I saw the other day on the news a kid got suspended from school for hugging another friend.

It was just a friend hug of support!

If we were in school that school now we would be SO suspended.

 
At November 9, 2011 at 8:49 PM , Blogger January Dawn said...

Oh your boy is so sweet. My heart ached reading your recent posts and I was so angered about the EMT. There's nothing wrong with *getting* angry...it's *being* angry that eats up your heart...and because you don't allow the anger to stay within you, you have one big brave lovely heart. I am in awe of any parent that has to deal with these challenges.

 

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