Medically Fragile....

*sigh* Where do I begin?
Do I begin with the guilt I feel tonight? Or... Do I go back to yesterday?

Let's start with tonight and work backwards....

Tonight I took Alexander to be fit with DAFOs - braces that will help him stand and hopefully one day walk.  I was gone for most of the evening with Alexander. I missed dinner with my family again. One more family dinner gone.  One more evening of playing gone.  I don't resent Alexander because they are gone - I would go to the ends of the Earth for him... as for any of my children... but how many moments are missed before my other kids resent it? 

I push these feelings aside and tell myself that I will explain things as they grow up.  They will not resent him because I will not allow it.  But - no one can really be sure, can they?

The term medically fragile should not exist.  Do you know how many forms this term is on to describe my child? The term failure to thrive should not exist either. In fact, just last week, I told a doctor that I hated that term - Alexander was thriving, just not at "her rate." *sigh* But the truth of the matter is... babies are babies for such a short time.  You must be careful with them for this small window when they are very young and cannot defend themselves.  Here we are, 10 months later, still saying, "Watch out! Don't hurt Alexander! Don't throw the ball around Alexander! Watch where you step! You might hit Alexander! Did you just _____ to Alexander?" 10 months of it.  And - I am fairly relaxed around him. Compared to other people - I'm extremely laid back about how the kids interact.

Fast forward - back to tonight. Finally - we are home. The kids and I are playing. Everyone is having a great time. It is time for a bath and the kids run around in their diaper.  I'm headed out to corral them back towards the tub and I hear Alexander start to cry.  Why is Alexander crying? Because Andrew threw a purse on his head.  And I punished Andrew. I broke his little heart. He sobbed and sobbed and I refused to let him take a bath with his sister. Because .... what if I had been a few minutes later? What if Alexander wasn't able to figure out how to push the cloth purse off of his face? (I didn't wait long enough to figure out if he would have gotten it off his head or not.) My heart stopped for several seconds. Minutes. Hours. an Eternity. It was not Andrew's fault.  He is 2. He has been careful. He continues to be careful.  He was wound up and playing with his siblings.  But - still - it happened.

Medically Fragile. Rewinding to last night. I'm part of a community of people who support each other. Who laugh together, cheer each other, and cry together. Last evening we mourned together. A child we do not know, but a child we all know in our hearts.  The child who is now with God.  The child we all are petrified will one day be ours.  The truth is, having a "non medically fragile" child does not make you immune to God's call home.

There is a natural rhythm to life.  Birth, age, death. Parents are not supposed to outlive their children.  I believe this is every parent's worst fear. There are over 300 times Children are mentioned in the Bible. It is clear - God loves children.  So then Why? Why this child? Why any child? Only the most devout believers would not ask this question. 

Last evening was a quick reminder of what Medically Fragile really means.  Last night was another prayer that Alexander will grow. Alexander will become strong. Alexander will .... be ok.

This post is a personal entry that I would have written in a journal.  I'm not going to post it to fb .... because .... Alexander is ok.

But I did punish Andrew and then felt terrible about it.

God Blessed the children.
A special child. A special family.  My heart breaks for you... as part of our community, as a mother, and as ... a person.