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Friday, May 6, 2011

Confessions of a Crying Mum

When I was a child, I grew up right down the street from my cousin.  She is my polar opposite. She cried all the time.  She cried before a sad movie even started.  She cried at funerals, and weddings, and baptisms, and baby showers, and bridal showers.  I used to make fun of her.  I called her water works and a bleeding heart.

She called me stone cold.  She said I didn't have a heart.  Even at the end of the movie Beaches ... no tears. These things were made up.  Funerals - almost no tears - death is part of life.  It was a rare time that I allowed my guard to be down enough to cry.

I should have known things were changing when I was pregnant.  I cried several times (you know... those big ugly tears) - but I always attributed it to hormones.  Plus, as a classic over achiever, I want to do my best!  And finally - as a good person, I hate to disappoint people..... 

But now things are different.  I cry all the time.  At the drop of a hat.  I want to cry just posting that statement.

Life now is ... full.  Yes, it is full of blessings. But it is also full of fears.  Full of worries.  Full of emotions.

Every night - this is the last thing I see before bed, the thing I look at in the middle of the night, and the first thing I see when I wake up.


My Precious Baby... Sleeping.  Some nights I sleep holding
the monitor. Because I want to hold him... and I can't


What I usually post about are funny times - like this morning when Addison decided she needed to wear my headband.  Not only that, but then she actually came out to me and mocked me because she had my headband!

I was originally wearing the "purple headband with bubbles" ... but Addison decided she wanted to wear it.  Then - she said, "Mommy, you no wear bubble headband. I wear bubble headband.  You no wear headband. I wear headband."  Little Turkey!

I show you pictures of the kids doing funny things... Like reading books. They are so funny now. They like to come home and "do their homework."  They sometimes crawl up into our bed and read books.



 I Love to show pictures of my kids hanging out with Ray.  It melts my heart. 


I am also the super proud mom - who likes to show pictures of her kids doing awesome things. 

Alexander mastering the z-vibe by himself!


 Alexander with his big boy shades.....


But... there are a lot more moments like this... where tenderness rules my world.


And now I'm a "tender" person.  I cry more than I should. I cry a lot.  And it is not even sad tears!
Sometimes I cry out of frustration ~ when people make "big things" out of things I think are insignificant.
Sometimes I do cry out of sadness ~ when I see injustices and I can't do anything about them.
Sometimes I cry from worry ~ that I'm letting someone down. That I'm not doing a good enough job at all my jobs. That I'm just not... good enough.
Sometimes I cry when I feel overwhelmed ~ do I really need to explain that?
Sometimes I cry when I'm happy ~ There is so much good in the world. 
Sometimes I cry when I'm embarrassed ~ that my family is suddenly so needy.  Or that my family has to accept so many things.

Mostly I just feel overwhelmed with emotions right now.  Tomorrow my baby turns 1.  We are running several fundraisers.  We are praising the victory of this past year.  We are preparing for a message of Hope and Love on Sunday.  I am remembering.... this past year - the pain and the joys. And - I don't want to forget the pain because it was part of us.  It showed us how to appreciate the joys.  When I think about my baby, I am overwhelmed with feelings.  Like the cup that is filled to the brim.  One small drop in the emotional bucket, and the waves ripple my tears down the side. 

Please don't mistake tears for sadness... Tears are for many emotions. 
And right now.... the tears are ok.... because it just reminds everyone that my heart is full. 

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2 Comments:

At May 6, 2011 at 11:47 AM , Blogger Tommy Oaks said...

You know...I'm all for tears. I don't think tears show us as being weak or overly emotional...they show that we are human. That we have emotions. They act as a release. On a random side note...the picture of Addison holding the book "Timothy of the Cay" totally rocks my world. At fist I just thought "how cute!" then I read the book title. I've been trying to remember the name of that book for YEARS.

 
At May 8, 2011 at 7:58 AM , Blogger Ilana said...

B'H
Tears happen when hearts open
feeling compassion
for others you cry.

It is ok even to feel compassion for yourself and to go easy. You are in G-D's hands
in somethings you need to trust
and view the beauty of it all and the lesson
we learn in living a good life.

 

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