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Monday, August 29, 2011

In my New Normal

I’ve started to follow this blog – Finding My New Normal.  I love how she writes and how open she is about her journey of dealing with her own demons. I had a rough weekend and was really worried writer’s block would keep me from writing anything worthwhile after my Big Post.  It turns out… I just needed a few moments to allow my “new normal” to unfold.
In my “new normal,” my life has some extra worries.  Thankfully, after I blog my fears away… they usually stay away.  My big fear has left. (pretty much.)  The other miracles that were laying on my heart have once again shown their strength and resilience.  One endured open heart surgery at age 4.  And. is. home. Our friends have been sick, battling seizures, and worrying about the consequences of the seizures.  In my “new normal,” these things weigh on my heart and follow me into my dreams.  But as good health returns to the members of our Wolf Hirschhorn family, my fears subside. 

In my “new normal” – those fears that remain… I try to write about in the hopes of blogging them away.  I found myself writing this post yesterday and then walking away from it.  Today was our first day back to school… and several students from last year asked me about Alexander.  I found myself repeating the same mantra I tried to instill in them all last year.  You can let life’s circumstances define you… capture you… bring you down.  Or you can rise above them… live out loud in spite of life’s circumstances … live out loud because of life’s circumstances.

As I found myself repeating those positive words all day, I remembered the healing power of the innocence of the young.  I found myself smiling, pushing those fears away, remembering why I love my job.  I knew I needed to come home and re-word this post. 

In my “new normal,” I rage against seizures, wrestle with my weight, worry about the amount of stimulation Alexander will get in a house without the twins, and try to be all things to all people.  In my “new normal,” I am learning that I cannot be all things to all people.  Just today, I forgot to order Alexander’s Prevacid (he is out of refills) and we almost broke his pump.  I was mentally preparing to get up every  1/2 hour to give Alexander his formula manually. (Pump is fixed… no worries there.) But, I am making lists to call the doctor and pharmacist tomorrow.  In my “new normal,” I have to remember to manage my time, find a space for me, be a positive influence for students, and remember that my family is a priority.

In my “new normal,” we celebrate the first back to school with an evening at the park.
He is so stinkin’ proud…. Just look at his face.  That expression says, “I’m cool, Mom.”
We rejoice in new tricks and old treasures found in – just being outside.

In my “new normal,” – we cherish our moments with our friends..
Yes… Andrew has a new girlfriend.  He asks about her almost every day….
In our “new normal,” we still get excited by small milestones that are met.  Alexander… riding in a cart – like a big boy. 

The stress will come.  I may launch myself over desks to answer a phone and feel pure RELIEF when it is not about Alexander.  I may forget to order medicines or schedule doctor’s appointments or even enter a grade.  I could dwell on the fact that I have a new normal… or I could embrace it.  I can chose to live. out. loud.  I can chose to dance in the rain.  I can chose to live the “life” I preach to my students.  I’m choosing it, baby. I’m choosing it.

I actually "cheated."  I wrote this post of my heart on Monday night, but - it is the follow - up to my last week's PYHO.  The post spiked at over 600 reads... I felt I should follow up with the I'm ok... in spite of fears post. 

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At August 30, 2011 at 6:52 AM , Blogger championm2000 said...

Beautifully said...

and so very true.

At August 30, 2011 at 7:12 AM , Blogger Melissa and Luke Young said...

Such a great post...!!

Alexander is so unbeleivably cute... i love the photo of him on the swing... he definatley looks impressed with himself xx

At August 30, 2011 at 7:04 PM , Blogger Meredith said...

Awesome post!!

And beautiful pictures!!! :)

At August 30, 2011 at 9:36 PM , Blogger Hilary said...

Thinking about you and hoping your first days back at school were great. How sweet of your students to ask about Alexander. Just think of the positive impact Alexander has had on a huge number of students who have never met him. Too cool!

At August 31, 2011 at 7:19 AM , Anonymous Galit Breen said...

This is so beautifully written, truly a work of heart.

Your new normal? Is inspiring.

At August 31, 2011 at 8:20 AM , Blogger My New Normal said...

Here's to embracing our new normals!

I'm flattered by your comments about my blog. Thinking of you and your family!

At August 31, 2011 at 9:46 AM , Blogger Angie said...

Thank you for sharing. I know it's hard not to beat yourself up over even the smallest of mistakes, but know that you are a great mom who is doing the best for her family. ::hugs::

At August 31, 2011 at 10:08 AM , Blogger Shell said...

Glad you did a follow up!

Your new normal sounds very positive!

At August 31, 2011 at 11:12 AM , Blogger Grumpy Grateful Mom said...

I loved this post! I think I needed to read it today. I don't always embrace my new normal. Prayers for your family. :)

At August 31, 2011 at 11:35 AM , Blogger Kristin @ What She Said said...

I just read both your post from last week and this one. First, I can say that my "big fear" is the same as your - I fear the death of my child. My only child. Who, thank God, is so far happy and healthy and thriving. I'm not sure how I would go on - can't even think about it, really - but I suppose I would. Somehow.

In the meantime, like you, I try to just live, enjoy (and at times muddle through) life as it comes, and not let such fears consume me. As mothers, what else can we really do?

At August 31, 2011 at 4:07 PM , Blogger Tiffany said...

It's hard to focus on the [positive when the negative is looming in the background. You sound like you're pushing it back and looking forward to the brighter side. Very well written.

At August 31, 2011 at 8:17 PM , Blogger Jenna said...

beautifully and transparently shared, and I love the pictures, especially the ones in series that showed your daughters progress across the monkey bars!!

At August 31, 2011 at 9:00 PM , Blogger Krista @ Not Mommy of the Year said...

This is my first time on your blog, but I want to say how inspired I am by your normal. I can tell how strong and steadfast you are in caring for your children. And I'm simply amazed by that.

At August 31, 2011 at 9:47 PM , Blogger Jessica said...

SO glad you are looking at the more positive! Beautiful post and pictures! xoxo

At September 1, 2011 at 3:09 PM , Blogger Cookie's Mom said...

Kristen, I'm visiting you for the first time today (and following you), from the Pour Your Heart Out link up.

I'm so sorry to hear about your struggles. I often wonder how other moms go on, with fears invading their lives or after the death of a child. Life is incredibly fragile and we all take that for granted, at least at times, but mothers like yourself less so. We all may face any such tragedy at any time, but some of us are simply blissfully unaware. I'm sorry that life becomes more serious and less light-hearted for you and for mothers who have lost their children.

I love that you are embracing your new normal, living each day to the fullest - as we all ought to. I wish you good fortune and much joy.

At September 29, 2011 at 7:23 PM , Blogger Deb said...

Thankfully, after I blog my fears away… they usually stay away.

Likewise. When I started my "writing blog" (ha!), I had no idea that I was really embarking on the greatest therapeutic adventure of my life.


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