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Saturday, November 19, 2011

When the Perfectionist Fails

Is there a time when I get to be “perfect” again?

I am a true perfectionist… even about the silliest stuff.

Even with school – yes… I believe there is such thing as the “perfect” lesson. And – in my version of “perfect” – you work hard… then harder…. then even harder – until things are the best they will ever get.  That no one could have worked harder than you me.  No one could have made it better than you me.  Perfection.

I really wanted to write something light and fluffy.  Fun pictures of the kids and Ray and I at the parade.  We were going to bake chocolate chip cookies tonight.  We had it all planned out.  Relax.  Breathe.  Exhale.  Smile.

Last week Alexander had an evening of screaming all night long.  I went to work on 2 hours of sleep.  The next day, I had him into the doctors – to recheck his ears.  Because we were that on top of things.  We were preemptive.  We did everything right.  Turns out – he did still have an ear infection.  Turns out… he did need more antibiotics.  *Cue back patting here.  Great Job Kristen…. Way to go – figure it out. Fix it.  Don’t let things get out of control. *

Today Alexander had another seizure.  Despite all of it.  Despite the doctor visit.  Despite the early detection of the ear infection.  What about the “perfection” of it all?  I worked harder than anyone.  We did everything right.

Alexander’s seizure was the biggest yet.  Lasting the longest.  The most uncontrolled ever.
15 mg of Valium
100 mg IV Keppra
100 mg IV phosphenotoine
3 doses (don’t know the MG rate here) of some other “V” medicine
3 doses of Ativan. 
I believe there are some other drugs that I missed. 
I was too busy trying to overhear the conversations:
Phenobarbital / Valpuric Acid / Intubate / PICU / Spinal Tap / Meningitis …. shit.

I know you are all going to say that no one is perfect.  I know you are going to tell me to stop beating myself up about this.  But.  I. Am. His. Mom.  (As of right now… he is not intubated nor has he had a spinal tap…yet.)

How can I recognize and help so many other people… but not be perfect enough for my little buddy? 
(who… by the way … is PERFECT.)  I just feel like I’ve screwed it up somehow again.  No cookies for the twins.  So many drugs given to this little boy… and – nothing I could do to stop it.  This little fighter boy. 

Ugh. Tomorrow… I promise to blog a happy blog. Today, I need to sleep somehow.  And sleep will come after I’ve emptied my heart of this blurred vision of perfection.  Thanks for listening.

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6 Comments:

At November 19, 2011 at 10:21 PM , Blogger Non-Stop Mom said...

Oh hunny....I love you and my heart is hurting for you right now. I don't have any words of wisdom because right now I'm trying to keep myself on an even keel (and failing miserably too, I might add) but just know that I'm thinking of you!

<3
Amy

 
At November 20, 2011 at 5:16 AM , Blogger susan said...

we are on completely different journeys in our lives with sons of ours and yet I know exactly how you feel.

If "I" do every single thing to the very best of my abilities, if I cross every 't' and dot every 'i'... then surely he will be happy enough to behave in an acceptable fashion. If I can get it so right with my daughter, why not with my son?

I hear you... "perfection" is for the birds... yet I still strive for it...... XX

 
At November 20, 2011 at 10:17 AM , Blogger Mommy Inconsistent said...

Sending positive, healing vibes your son's way.

 
At November 20, 2011 at 12:08 PM , Blogger Eric, Erin, Elsie and Emmy said...

Lots of prayers, hugs and pats. As much as we moms want to be perfect for our children, we can NOT be. We can TRY! And you do a damn good job of trying!

 
At November 20, 2011 at 11:38 PM , Blogger Grumpy Grateful Mom said...

Sorry you're feeling this way. You are amazing!

Sending prayers for you and your sweet little guy.

 
At November 21, 2011 at 4:36 PM , Blogger The Preppy Girl in Pink said...

Kristen, My heart goes out to you and your sweet Alexander and in my eyes...you are perfect. You are doing everything that you can and you are showing your little boy every little bit of love that you have for him in your heart.
I have your entire family in my prayers.

 

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