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Saturday, March 19, 2011

The Honest Truth... an unfulfilled dream

I have an unfulfilled dream. I didn't realize I even had it until today. .....

I have no idea if I will even have the guts to post this. But - if this blog is supposed to be a window into my heart.... then should I really post what my heart is doing? Really? Do you really want to know that I'm not all sugar plums and happiness? If you don't want the illusion shattered... stop here:

My heart just broke.
It broke ... just a little crack. I was punched in the gut.
And I hate myself for it.

One of the most wonderful people in the world just had a baby. She is beautiful... inside and out.  She has a heart of gold and would literally do anything for me. I'm going to expand that statement... She would do anything for anyone. If she couldn't physically do it - she would pray about it. She is the kind of person everyone wishes they could have as a friend.

She had a healthy baby. I'm going to be honest. I don't wish for Alexander to be anything other than who he is. I don't compare him to other children.  I stand by those statements because they are absolutely true.  This actually only involves Alexander as an innocent bystander in my loss of a dream.  However......

When I had the twins - I was on bed rest. I was in the hospital on bed rest.  I made it to 33 weeks. ... then they decided we would deliver the twins.  It was necessary for me to take Magnesium - to prevent seizures because my blood pressure was so high.  I knew from other twin mom support people the mag was going to be terrible to take - but the doctors didn't share with me that they were not going to let me see the babies for 24 hours after their birth because of it.  So - I have this horrible drug oozing through my body, I have 2 babies whisked away to the NICU and then ... I'm not allowed to go see them.  I'm not allowed to touch them. I was sent 2 pictures and that was supposed to be enough.  I cried, pestered, begged, cried, and begged some more until finally - some kind nurses stayed after their shift and wheeled me down.  My birth story for the twins is this terrible ... my birth story for Alexander was going to be different.

Then I had Alexander. No mag. (at least that was better.) But I didn't get that great moment. The moment that wasn't clouded by the NICU and worry and alarms.  If you've never been in the NICU - you can't really understand what I mean.  The scrubbing in. The alarms and monitors. The quiet tears. The raw emotion. There is something totally unnatural about a mother that has to ask permission to hold their baby.

There were 2 pictures of my friend posted on Facebook- one beautiful picture of her baby and a new profile picture.  I will tell you this - I'm bearing the darkest black things in my heart... I have no reason to lie - When I looked at the picture of her beautiful new baby I felt nothing but pure happiness for her.  I felt joy - new life. A precious new baby.

It was when I looked at the profile picture taken in the hospital.  The picture of her entire family ... together. No NICU that I felt my heart break.  It had nothing to do with Alexander and everything to do with MeMy flaws as a person.  My dream of having this "perfect" (what in the WORLD does that WORD mean?) moment broke my heart.  I never got to just enjoy having a child. No NICU. No worry. No ......... "I had a baby - but." 

I didn't even realize that dream was a dream lost until I saw that photo.  Many of my friends have had children since I've had Alexander. I have honestly been excited and happy for every one of them.  I am honestly happy and excited for my friend.  But this was the first picture I saw in the hospital.  The first time I've had to face that I shut the door on that dream of the birth without worry or tears.  It touched a nerve I didn't realize was exposed. 

I know many of you will wonder why I chose to out myself here.  Because - I feel like I'm really getting to A GOOD PLACE. To a place where God is leading me in the direction I was meant to go. So - If I lie ... even if it is a lie of omission ... and pretend like I have arrived at a place I'm not quite at... then this is all for nothing.

So there it is. My less than perfect moment. My prayer that I'm going to pray tonight. Today I spent the afternoon with my extended family - many of those people don't I don't see often enough.  Those people praised me for moving through the process of acceptance and peace.  For putting my family and the love for all 3 of my children at the center of my world. This is why I posted this blog. 

To my friend. Someday you will read this blog. I hope it is not for awhile because I don't want anything to ruin these moments for you. You deserve them. You are beautiful. Your baby is beautiful.  I wish you all the love and happiness. By the time we see each other again (and this should be SOON!) my heart will be healed over.  I will have buried that old dream under the flowers of Alexander's first birthday and all to celebrate from this past year.

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