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Attracted to the moon so I can see the sun

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Sunday, September 25, 2011

Attracted to the moon so I can see the sun

I find myself falling down wormholes and entering entire new places I’ve never been.


Let me back up.  At lunch, they make fun of me.  My co-workers even do hand motions of as they grasp these random words that come out of my mouth.  I think they believe I’m drunk.  Or, they just tease me about it.  Truth is, I’m not… it is just my brain moves so fast, my mouth has no way to catch up with it.  Hence, I’ll be talking about a topic, my brain will jump start through three more related thoughts and I will end up talking about something so irrelevant. Now that makes total sense… right?


The internet is like this. Click. Click. Click. My brain and mouse can work in tandem as my eyes try to keep up with all these places I must go.  Until finally… pause … I come across something I must read.  It happened to me again last night. 


It seems these pauses are filled with darkness.  Why is it that I click through shades of sunlight only to land on the moon?  The blog that goes thereyou know – to that dark place.  I’m going to admit it – I couldn’t stop reading.  I sent the woman 2 messages… one public and one private.


The blog that sucked me into a wormhole of darkness?  It was written by a woman - just a normal wife and mother  - until her husband had a psychotic break.  Her entire life changed when he committed suicide.  Apparently it is illegal to speak about suicide in Australia – where she is from.  Apparently her blog was an “average” blog until this tragedy – and now she has a huge following.


I wonder if she can make a difference in this “no speak” law in Australia?  Wouldn’t that be an amazing legacy?  I wonder if her followers are followers because they are supporters or rubberneckers?  I wonder if she wonders that too….


The reason I wonder is, I had to go there with her.  I can’t explain why I felt compelled to travel back through her posts, her anguish, her pain.  I knew the root cause of it.  Why did I feel this pull to travel into the dark night?  And now?  I can’t get her out of my head or heart. 


I started to write her an e-mail.  To tell her that she wasn’t alone in battling demons.  I wanted to tell her that life gets better.  I wanted to tell her that the depression would ease in time.  I wanted to talk to her as “one person changed by circumstances to another changed by circumstances.”  And then I realized how completely pompous that statement was.  If I was her – I would have reached through the computer to slap myself.


Enter the sun.  Yes, my life was changed by circumstances.  Yes, I did suffer through the enormity of coming to grips with our new life.  Yes, I do still have bad moments.  But – how DARE I compare the two.  My husband still comes home every night and my son is a beautiful blessing every day.  I don’t know how she will handle her “new normal.”  I haven’t been where she is.  I can’t talk to her from one changed woman to another. Because my life just veered off the path I thought it was headed.  Her life took a sharp left turn and did not pass go.


Instead, I will pray for her heart.  I will pray for the healing of her family. I will cuddle my kids and tell my husband that I love him.  I will be thankful for all that we have.   And, I will enter into the sunlight of our life… because the moon has set on another wormhole.


*I decided not to link that blog here.  It seemed weird either way… talk about a blog without linking / talk about a blog of this nature and link.  But the truth is – this post isn’t about her blog.  It is about how small things help me to remember how blessed we are.  Sunlight.


At September 27, 2011 at 4:55 AM , Blogger Anna said...

I know that blog you are talking about. I had just started following it when suddenly everything changed. She is making a difference here in Australia. She is an amazing woman.

At September 27, 2011 at 6:24 AM , Blogger Kristen said...

Anna... I logged on and saw your comment and it literally made me break out in a smile. I thought maybe I had violated some "blogging" norm .... (there are a lot of "rules" I'm still learning. But - to know that she is making a difference is amazing. Completely amazing.


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