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Yesterday I Cried

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Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Yesterday I Cried

Alexander had a seizure.  His first one since June.  Our third week back to school.  And I cried.
I cried as I left the building.  I cried as I drove home.  I cried when the helicopter told me I couldn’t ride with him, and I cried when we were stuck in stand-still traffic for over an hour on the interstate. There were moments where I felt such self pity.  I will not lie.  Why wouldn’t they just let me ride with him? Why wouldn’t they just let me ride with him?

As I posted yesterday… Everyone has moments where they just… break down.
My post yesterday wasn’t meant to demean those moments.  No matter your circumstances… we all have them.  No one’s “circumstances” are bigger or more than another’s.

In my world, I hear people complain about losing sick days. They complain about the interruption of their schedules.  I hear people complain about … everything … which was my rant yesterday.

But… my tears were just mainly for my baby.  He seized for 5 hours. The why wouldn’t they let me ride with him? – was for his sake… not mine.  They stuck him several times because I wasn’t there to tell them not to.  They gave him medicine that doesn’t break his seizures because I wasn’t there to tell them not to.  His poor little brain seized for hours because the drug that “breaks” his seizures couldn’t be given until we got there…and that took almost 2 hours in traffic.

I just want to kiss it all and make it better.  I want to hug him until the seizures roll by.  Mommies should be able to do that.  Mommies should be indestructible.
Truth – I cried for both of us. 
Truth – I cried for him.  Because in the end… I just want him to be ok / happy / feel better.
Today – I am thankful that he “outgrew” his medicine dose. 
Today – I am thankful the Keppra is still working (just at a higher dose).
Today – I am thankful his seizures have stopped.
Today – I am thankful I have a job and coworkers who cover for me when I have to leave.
Today – I am thankful this happened this week instead of last (see news story HERE.)
Today – I am thankful for the friends and family members who prayed for us …. over 100 e-mails, texts, calls, and Facebook messages (I counted.)
Today … I will push away the anger and frustration of a few moments and focus on those things still to be THANKFUL for.
Today – Alexander is crying because he’s ticked we are still here.  What a sweet sound that is.

I debated.  I wasn’t going to link up – because this post needed posted today no matter what day it was…. but – so many people over there have been following our journey – here it is.

*** We are Home ***

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At September 14, 2011 at 9:25 AM , Blogger Non-Stop Mom said...

Know that I'm thinking of you.

At September 14, 2011 at 11:22 AM , Anonymous Robin | Farewell, Stranger said...

Ugh, my heart breaks for you. What a horrible thing to have to endure.

At September 14, 2011 at 11:25 AM , Blogger Heather said...

I prayed for Alexander several times yesterday and am happy to hear he is doing better. Yay, that he outgrew the dosage, and I hope he NEVER has another seizure again!!! And... you have every right to be ticked that they wouldn't let you on the helicopter with him. Mommies should always be allowed to ride along, shouldn't they?!

At September 14, 2011 at 12:26 PM , Blogger Colleen said...

I am so so sorry. I can't imagine how awful yesterday must have been for your family. Please know I am adding my prayers for your son to everybody elses. God bless...

At September 14, 2011 at 12:41 PM , Blogger JDaniel4's Mom said...

What a challenge! It would make sense that they would let you go with them. It sounds like they needed your input.

At September 14, 2011 at 1:13 PM , Anonymous Not a Perfect Mom said...

I'm so sorry...I can't believe they wouldn't let you go. was it because he was seizing so badly they were afraid you would freak out?
I know I've been here before, but I'm going to poke around a bit and read about Alexander's history...
So glad he's better...

At September 14, 2011 at 2:03 PM , Blogger Shell said...

What an ordeal- both for him and for you.

I'm glad that he is doing better.

At September 14, 2011 at 2:03 PM , Anonymous A Mother's Thoughts said...

Aw, I hope that you little one gets through this and isn't suffering too much!! I pray for you from here! :(

At September 14, 2011 at 3:56 PM , Blogger Krista @ Not Mommy of the Year said...

Oh my. I know you don't want pity, but I'm thinking about you. How strong you must have to be all the time. And sometimes, you just need to let it out. Tears aren't bad, you need those to refresh yourself.

So glad to have found your blog. And your story. And you!


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