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Tuesday, September 20, 2011

The Unexpected Pregnancy

I heard the news today.  I don’t know how to tell you, because I don’t want you to think people are talking about you.  They are not… I was only told because, well, I would understand.  And I’m going to put this on my blog in hopes that God will lead it to the right people.

My heart breaks for yours.  As you carry this unborn baby from doctor to doctor, I know your heart breaks as well.   I know what those long days at specialists feels like.  I know what it feels like when your hope is chipped away with each new test, result, or consultation.  I know what it feels like to have that guilt weigh on your shoulders.
If you asked me a thousand times – 999 times - I would tell you, “it is not my fault.”  But that one time, when my guard was down, I would confess that I feel guilt over Alexander’s diagnosis.  I wasn’t taking prenatal vitamins.  I wasn’t doing the things I should have been doing.  I wasn’t prepared.  I ate the wrong things.  I was so “confident” because… babies are born healthy all the time.  AM9643

I should have known.  I should have done something differently.  I’m his mom.  I’m … his … mom… I just shouldn’t have allowed this to happen.  Those are the secrets of my heart.

What you feel it completely normal.  The waiting is so difficult.  Specialists can only tell you so much – and until you’ve held that precious baby in your arms… the bonding is not quite the same.  In time – we both will come to believe what our heads already know… there was nothing we did that could have changed this outcome.  God’s hand directs things in motion… for a purpose we are not always meant to understand.

Everyone must make their own choices; I’ve been told you are not going to terminate, and I can tell you that is a choice you will not regret.  Those specialists don’t know what a child can do.  Those specialists don’t know what God can do. 

We were told to allow Alexander to pass.  We were told he would never eat.  We were told he would not know us.  We were told children with his syndrome don’t walk or talk.  All of those things are falseAM9479
So what if your unborn baby doesn’t cure cancer?  He probably wasn’t going to bring world peace anyway.  I can’t count the number of people Alexander has brought closer to God.  What if that is his purpose?  What if that has secured his place in heaven?  And the first shall be last and the last shall be first…

As I write you this letter, Alexander is crying.  He’s tired of the EEG wrap on his head and he wants to fall asleep.  Yet I tell you this, I would not have changed a thing.  He is beautiful in every way.  He has fulfilled my final dream to be his mother… just as I was meant to be.

I know this video has been shown before – but … I need for you to see it.  It is the life that has chosen me.  At some point, turning things over to God will bring peace to your heart.

Please know that I am here.  Feel free to read anything you want.  Feel free to come to me at any time.  I am always here. 
I wrote this letter in hopes that it reaches a specific person… but the truth is, so many mothers carry the burden of wondering if their unborn child will be ok.  Please feel free to repost this as you see fit… in the hopes it reaches all the people who need to read it.

I'm linking with Shell for the same reason....

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At September 20, 2011 at 8:50 PM , Blogger Angela Bowden said...

Beautiful blog post. And I'm so glad you reposted the video because I hadn't seen it before. Alexander is such a lucky boy to have you as his Mommy. You are blessings to each other.

At September 20, 2011 at 9:14 PM , Blogger jen@its all about me said...

That was a beautiful video Kristen. It was my first time seeing it also. As a mother I think understand the self questioning, we are human after all.

We also understand that bond with our children and that feeling that no matter what the "doctors" say we FEEL what's best for our babies in our hearts.

To switch subject kinda- Today I read a post from a mother who is raising a special need child. She wrote a post and I was thinking of you when I read it. Wanted to give you the link if that's ok. Maybe you'd be interested in checking it out.

At September 20, 2011 at 9:22 PM , Blogger Krista @ Not Mommy of the Year said...

I don't know what to write here. I hope that this message gets to the people who you have in mind. I hope that everyone who reads it takes a moment to hug their child another time. Children are so precious and their gift to us is way more than we can ever imagine. Every child.

At September 20, 2011 at 10:17 PM , Blogger Lisa said...

WOW! This is beautiful and I will so keep it in my "HELP" folder! This would have been an amazing help to me in the early days! I firmly believe our kiddos were given to us from God for a purpose and my heart is always so thankful that I will never have to worry for Bria's soul.

thanks for writing this Kristen!

At September 20, 2011 at 10:45 PM , Blogger TiAnna Mae said...

Thanks for sharing this!!! Little Alex is too adorable!!! I'm praying for him and the family right now!

At September 21, 2011 at 1:13 AM , Blogger Kristy said...

This is a beautiful post Kristen. I wish I would have read something like this when Dylan was diagnosed, instead I got a 30 year old print out on WHS and was told that Dylan would be "vegetative." Thank you for writing this because I needed to read it today. :)

At September 21, 2011 at 8:56 AM , Blogger Jackie said...

This is so touching Kristen. I really hope the message gets to the intended receiver, but in the mean time, I think this is what many of us needed.

At September 21, 2011 at 9:03 AM , Blogger angela said...

This is such a heartfelt post. I hope, so much, that it reaches the person for whom you've intended it or maybe someone you didn't even know needed the help :)

At September 21, 2011 at 9:56 AM , Blogger Tiffany said...

This is such a moving post and I hope that the person that this is intended for, reads it. No matter the pain, heartache and problems that one may endear, God has a plan. We must take what he gives us and continue forth.
God Bless you.

At September 21, 2011 at 10:03 AM , Anonymous A Mother's Thoughts said...

Your post is so moving. I hope that little Alex can continue to beat all of the odds against him. Your family's love and with God's Grace he can get through all things.


At September 21, 2011 at 11:23 AM , Blogger Shell said...

So touching! I hope that the girl you are trying to reach does read this- though I think that it could help a lot of moms.

At September 21, 2011 at 12:25 PM , Blogger Mama Zen said...

This is extraordinarily beautiful. Thank you.

At September 21, 2011 at 5:27 PM , Blogger Lynsey said...

What a beautiful post. I know how all of that feels as well, but in my case, they were absolutely 100% wrong and my baby was born without any syndrome. Even if there had been a diagnosis there is no way I would have regretted having my son. I thought a lot about that during the hours and days and weeks of not knowing. God bless you on your journey, you have certainly inspired mine. I hope you inspire the one you intended to reach as well.

At September 21, 2011 at 10:40 PM , Blogger championm2000 said...

Thank you, as always, for your insight...

At September 21, 2011 at 11:01 PM , Anonymous Reagan said...

This is INCREDIBLE! When I was pregnant people would ask: "boy or girl?" I would say: "baby." They would reply, "doesn't matter so long as they are healthy." I would reply, "That doesn't even matter."

I get the value world places on health, and trust me I know good health is profoundly convenient. But I know and I believe that God doesn't make mistakes. So we can call them "disabilities" or "differences." We can name syndromes but every child is a Child of God who is placed here with purposes that only that child can bring to pass.

At September 22, 2011 at 7:17 AM , Anonymous Shades of Grey said...

I can't wait to tell you how amazing i think you are ! :) Loved the post.

At September 22, 2011 at 3:23 PM , Blogger Big D and Me said...

Just beautiful. I have tears because I think your son is just gorgeous. We went to specialists and unfortunately didn't get to where you got. We lost our son at 20 weeks but I know he would have been such a bonus to our family. I taught special ed and found peace and honesty in my kids at school. All children are a gift.

At September 25, 2011 at 8:16 PM , Anonymous My Inner Chick said...

Beautiful. Inspiring. Heartbreaking. Magical.
"Those specialists don’t know what a child can do. Those specialists don’t know what God can do."
Amazing Post. Thank you. x
PS. The only thing that has kept me going since my sister's murder is God...Even though he's been quite silent. I KNOW he's there.


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